Treasures from the Eye Doctor

Today we stopped by Charlie's grave.  It looked like it was going to rain but we snuck over anyway.  The twins had been to the eye doctor the day prior and while it wasn't the easiest experience for this momma they did do pretty well all things considered.  By the end of the visit they were rewarded with a few stickers and that was all it took to make them smile.  Today when we arrived at the cemetery John said, "Momma, can I give Charlie him one of my stickers?  Because, if he were here he wouldn't be big enough to go the eye doctor and he wouldn't have gotten a sticker.  If he were here I would have given him one of my stickers."  Macy quickly chimed in and said, "I have two I want to give him too.  He'll love these!"  Of course I was more than happy to allow them to share their treasure with their brother.

It made my heart happy.

Happy Tuesday little man!

One more thing; Macy saw the monument hidden in the shrubs and she said, "Mom, why can't Charlie have a grave like that one?!  He deserves a big one like that!"  I chuckled and just smiled at her.  You are such a cheerleader for the people you love Macy.  You always want the best for them.  I love that about you sweet girl.        

Pictures

Lately my days have been hard.  I miss Charlie so much.  I am almost consumed by his memory, by what could have and what would have been.  I feel a little bit alone in my grief too.  It is no ones fault but my own, it just feels like I should be more okay than I am.  That makes it hard to share the grief.  I just wish I could give him a hug and kiss.  I just wish he was having trouble falling asleep and was snuggled up with me on the sofa.  I wish he needed me the way I need him.  

When in the world will this pain in my heart not ache so much?

I am sure it will not end.  But in moments and days and weeks like this I have little winks from God to help me keep going.  This past week I needed to get a few things done at work.  I worked until around 8 in my classroom.  Macy came with me because she LOVES school and she loves sitting at my table with my badge on drawing me pictures.  She always draws an abundance of pictures and at times we tapes them all over my room.  Before we left I took most of them down and hung them on my bulletin board behind my desk.  There was one left that I did not notice until the next day.  It was her, Charlie, and Johnny.  She always includes our sweet boy.  She never leaves him out of a family picture.  While my heart aches it also swells with joy when she lets me know he will not be forgotten.

I may never take that picture down.

He Loves You

This evening I laid down with Macy so we could talk before she went to sleep; a nightly routine we have so that she will stay in bed and actually fall asleep before midnight.  (She's a little bit like her momma.)

While we were laying there talking she shared the normal, her favorite part of her day, something that was kind of hard or frustrating, how she figured out how to handle the latter, and then she started in on our usual; Charlie.  I have this love/hate relationship with this particular part of our conversation.  I love and cherish that she wants to remember Charlie and talk about him but I also struggle because her questions are more like worries and I want to lead her in the right direction as we talk about him and more importantly our eternal home.

So I have to back up a bit before I share our chat this evening.  I had previously shared with friends that I was worried about Macy worrying too much.  I know, it sounds a little bit counterproductive but I guess she comes by it honest.  So as we were talking a friend of mine mentioned "Worry Monsters."  I looked them up on Amazon and liked the idea of it (and Macy loves to draw and write) so I thought it may be a good thing for us to use as we maneuver through this stage with her.  We purchased the Worry Eater and went on our way.  When worries came up in the evening I wrote them down for her and we stuck them inside the worry monster.  She explained why she was worried, what she was worried about, and then we decided to give them to the monster (and also God).  It was working beautifully.  It really helped her feel like she could let them go.  We have continued using it and now when we talk about a worry we try and turn it into a wonder.  Instead of, "I am worried about Johnny's cough." we can say, "I wonder why Johnny is coughing so much."  It has helped us not worry or borrow grief from the future and it has made our evening chats much more enjoyable.

So tonight as we were talking she said, "Momma, I wonder why Charlie had to go to heaven and we don't get to go yet."  I said, "That is a good question Macy.  I am not sure."  She continued with, "Momma, did you know sometimes I can hear Charlie and Jesus talking?  Charlie is hard to understand because I think he is still a little baby but he says my name now."

I was a little bit blown away.  Her little heart misses him and it may be the idea of a little brother that she longs for but I know she thinks about him and always wants to include him.   Every time I think about having mentioned his name I am glad I did and we still do.  He is a huge part of our family and makes her smile more than he makes her sad.  We sat in silence for a bit longer and as I was rubbing her arm she said, "Charlie just said he loves you Mommy."

That was enough to make my heart burst open.  I wish so badly he were here and he could say, "I love you Mommy." just like his siblings do but that was enough for today.  It was so special and so sweet coming from Macy's big beautiful mind.   I had to write it down so that I always remember how special our nightly conversations are and how amazing it is that I get to talk about Heaven with Macy almost every evening.  It's a joy.      

Women's March 2017

I try not to criticize or be disappointed in people because I am positive I am also disappointing.  I am also "what is wrong with the world."  Not one of us is perfect.  And while I realize all of this is true, I refuse to teach my little girl that walking down a street with a vulgar sign describing her body parts (that should be covered by underwear) is a good way to be an independent, respected, and loving lady and eventually woman.

I want her to look out for others.  She is being raised in a loving home where she is looked out for and cherished.  If and when she feels like there is someone that is not loved and cherished I want her to look out for them.  I want her to help them if she can and if and when the time comes that she cannot help them I want her to ask someone for help.  We will be there for her.  We will help her look out for others too.

I want her to have a meaningful conversations with people that are different from her.  I don't expect her to have the exact same thoughts that I do.  I want her to think for herself and as she grows up thinking for herself means finding friends and also learning about others.  Having conversations with people that think and believe differently than her will encourage her to figure out what she really believe as truth.  I want that for her.

I keep thinking, how vastly different the Facebook feeds and new articles would be if the women that marched really, actually wanted their voices to be heard and their actions to be seen.  What if instead of standing together in the middle of cities all over America, the women that marched, walked into soup kitchens, tutoring centers, nursing homes, churches or the thousands of other places that need a positive role model to volunteer for just one day.  What if they all helped someone that needed them?  What if they really stood up for the women that can't "stand up" for themselves?  

I can't help but think (or maybe hope is a better word) that that would have had a much bigger impact on our world.  I think it still would have taken the media by storm.  They could have "proven their worth" with something worthwhile and most importantly taught our daughters that you do not need  to find your worth in anyone but your Heavenly Father and we can come together for good.


  

Macy Kate

Dear Macy, 

I hope you never get too old to come in our room in the morning and jump in the "big bed." While I got ready for work ("to teach the kids") the other day I relished in the fact that you really wanted to be by me. You wanted to watch me get ready and you wanted me to snuggle for a few minutes. Eventually when the hair dryer became too much you demanded I shut the bathroom door but you didn't leave the room. You still wanted to be close. 

This picture is so precious to me. It reminds me of so many pieces of your perfect personality. At this moment you were telling me "No cheesin' Mom!" and you meant it! You are fierce my sweet girl but your innocence and kindness far surpass any mean bone in your body.  I hope you never lose that. You smiled at me after that and rested your head on your hands in our bed because you are comfortable there. I am so thankful we have been able to make our house a home for you to grow up in the past three years. You are confident, you are beautiful, you are loved by our Heavenly Father. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. 

Love,

Momma 

Please...

All of my abilities to reason and think logically are completely thrown out the window when Macy and/or Johnny get sick.  Today was one of those days where absolutely nothing anyone could say would make my brain stop going to all of the horrible places it goes when I think my kids are sick. 

Macy woke up covered in her own throw up this morning around 7:00 a.m.; almost the exact same time I realized that Charlie was not acting like himself on July 7th.  That morning with Charlie, I waited for the doctor's office to open before I did anything.  I held him, I tried to feed him, and I swaddled him but I waited until the office opened to call and actually go in.  In my panic this morning I almost rushed Macy to the emergency room but I had to get a hold of myself and slow down.  John and I gave her a warm bath, put clean pajamas on her, and then held her on the couch.  I talked to John about taking her to the doctor and we agreed we could wait until they opened.  I trusted my husband and his instinct (since mine along with my ability to reason doesn't exist in these moments...).

When we finally got into the doctor around 10:45 I learned that Macy was fine.  She did not have strep throat or any other crazy disease (that I conjured up in my head) but a simple virus that needed to run its course.  He told me that it would go away on its own but we needed to keep her hydrated and try and have her rest as much as possible.  A trained and trusted physician was telling me that my daughter was fine.

I realize most people would walk away from that appointment (if they even went) and go about the rest of their day as normal.  For me that was not the case.  My perspective has changed.  My entire life has changed.  This wound that I have because we lost Charlie has not completely healed.  I now have this horrifying fear that something is going to happen to my two other precious perfect children.  I am barely hanging on by a thread most days and that would be too much.  If something happened to Macy or Johnny that would make this pain unbearable every single second of every single day. 

I pray that God hears my cry.  I pray that he knows I need Macy and Johnny and that I cannot relive any part of that day with Macy or Johnny.  I can't go back to that office and hear that I need to rush to the emergency room.  I can't hurry into the emergency room in a state of panic searching faces for answers.  I can't sit in the PICU or any other hospital room in Children's Hospital begging to know what is wrong.  I can't do that.  I just can't. 

Please, Lord, help this go away.  Help me overcome this fear and trust in you.      

On a Lighter Note...

Today was Halloween.  It is not a particularly significant holiday for us but it is the time of year when we do what everyone does; carve pumpkins, dress up, eat lots of candy, and spend time with our family.  This year however is different.  We live each moment realizing that part of our family is missing.
 

It is hard to live these days without Charlie.  It is impossible to find a normal in all the feelings of grief.  However, we did find a way to include Charlie this year in our Halloween festivities.  John and Macy dressed up as a UK cheerleader and a UK football player.  Johnny's jersey was adorned with a "Number 3."  It is a significant number for us because it represented Charlie, our third baby.  Even on days or holidays as silly as Halloween he is missed but we know he is also with us.  

So instead of dwelling on not having a normal Halloween this year (with our whole family out in the cold weather running from house to house), we are living in the moment.  We are here together and the twins are healthy.  They love everything about life these days.  And we are realizing we can celebrate and bring Charlie along with us as Macy and Johnny do what two year olds do!  Everything we do is all so new to them and all so "awesome" (as Johnny would say...).  We are able to look, for this instant, through the eyes of our children, so today we are smiling.  We are enjoying a little bit of cold weather and a lot of candy!

Happy Halloween everyone!   

Hungry, Hungry...Macy!

My sweet babies have learned how to stand in their cribs.

At first I got nervous....What happened?!  They are supposed to be laying down in there!  What do I do?  Are they going to get hurt?

And then I felt emotional...How did they get so big?  How are they able to reach the rail already!?  Stop growing babies!!

Lastly, I got down to business...Is she chewing on that rail?  Where did those bite marks come from?  I've got to get that covered and NOW!

So, those two small bite marks started my search.  I went to Babies-R-Us (one of my least favorite places) and Target to find out how to quickly remedy our chewing problem.  I found a couple of options.

1. Gummi Crib Teething Rail Cover ($26.99) 
When I looked and measured I would need two and a half packages for each crib bringing my total to $134. 95 for the twins.

2. Crib Teething Rail Cover ($27.99)/Side Rail Teething Rail Covers ($31.99) 
When I saw this solution I realized it only came with a piece for the front of the crib and I would have to buy something else to cover the sides making the grand total $119.96 for the twins.

Neither of these options were looking very good.  Who has $100 to waste on rail covers for a crib?!  Not this mom; so, I did what any desperate mom would do...I browsed Pinterest and found something similar to the second option I listed above.

It was a DIY version that actually looked cute in all the pictures I saw and the best part was I could choose any fabric I wanted!  With the help of my always crafty (and DIY) mom we ventured to the Hancock's and Target  to purchase what we needed to cover Macy's crib rails.  We bought 1 yard of fabric with a coupon for 40% off making the total cost for the material $8.99.  (I chose the brown to keep it as inconspicuous as possible.)  We then purchased a skinny pool noodle from Target for $1.49.  For both the fabric and the noodle I spent $10.48 to completely cover her crib rail on all three sides.

Below are pictures for our very own tutorial.  I have to say it turned out great!

1. Before we started we cut the noodle just to the middle so that we could open it and cover the back of the rail.  We then used zip ties to secure the noodle to the crib rail.  I only had small 7 inch zip ties so I had to connect three together.  Once I attached them all I flipped them over so the cut part was facing down.  I was careful to make sure the ties were not rubbing the crib.

 2. The next step was to cut our material.  Since their crib rails are not a standard size I laid the fabric over the rail to guess and check how much I needed.  We used 22 inches to wrap around the front and then 18 inches on the sides.  Once the fabric was cut to the correct size I folded it in half (hot dog style as my students would say) and then cut up from the open end.  I had to guess and check again how high to cut up but each strip was about one and a half inches thick.  That seems to work well once I started tying it onto the crib.

3. Once I finished cutting the strips we simply tied it onto the bed just like you would if you were making a fleece blanket.  It doesn't have to be perfect to look great (and that's the best part!) When I was researching how to do this several tutorials said to cut off one of the strips.  I found to make it look more "covered" I just tied three strips in between each rail.  That seemed to work for us.

4. The side rails had to be cut a little more than the front.  We did the same things with this side once it was cut that we did with the front of the crib.

It worked perfectly and the babies enjoyed playing in their cribs while we finished up our little DIY project.  But the funny part...just as we finished Macy's crib, Johnny stood up for the first time in his crib and marked his territory with his two little front teeth.  They must have been talking while we were working because he seemed to smirk at me when I caught him.  Needless to say, we were off to the store for yet another yard of fabric and a pool noodle....I should have known!   Overall, after both cribs were covered I had invested a couple hours and $20.96!  That number is music to my ear because we are out of diapers again!  

Bieber Fever

I forgot to mention, our sweet Macy, has Bieber fever!  The one and only time those two cried on the way to Florida was a mere 45 minutes away from our destination, and it was a scream more than a cry... you'll have to just trust me on that one!  Justin Bieber was the only thing that calmed our sweet May May down.  Check out this video!