Wednesday, September 6, 2017

God Didn't Make Me Tired

This evening Macy asked me a question that made me giggle.  But she was just so serious.  She said, "Momma, why didn't God make me tired at night like Johnny.  How come he made me so wide awake at night!?  Johnny just lays down and falls right to sleep.  I never do that!"

At first I didn't really have an answer.  But when I stopped for just a minute and sat down on the edge of her bed I was able to respond with such a sweet truth, one I never want her to forget as long as she lives.  

"Dear Sweet Macy, you were made and you were made perfectly by your heavenly Father.  He knew you before you were born and he knew the qualities and specials parts and pieces of you and your personality that you needed to BE YOU!

Maybe, just maybe, He knew when you got a bit bigger your momma would want a partner in crime to stay up late with and do crafts with.  Maybe He wanted you to have the grit to study just a bit longer into the night to get the grade (or more importantly the knowledge) you worked so hard for all school year.  Maybe He knew you would have friends that needed someone to be there for them in the middle of the night when they had a bad day.  Maybe He knew that when you grew up you would have a job and you'd come home to an evening where you play with your little ones and save the cleaning and the laundry for when they are in bed.

Maybe, none of these things come to fruition but I have a feeling He knows and He will reveal  how valuable that spunky, bright eyed little brain of yours is even in the middle of the night.

Just be YOU Macy.  That is something I want for you.  That is something your Heavenly Father wants for you too!"    

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Sleep Feels Impossible

It's nearly two o'clock in the morning.  I am past the time where sleep will come.  I will be up all night at this point.  I have tossed and turned.  I have closed my eyes and laid completely still.  I have prayed away the minutes and now hours.  I am no longer praying for sleep, instead I am dedicating this evening of prayer to a dear girl's family...since sleep will not come.

I cannot stop thinking about the pain so many around me are feeling.  I cannot stop thinking about the ribbons all over town.  I cannot stop thinking about the family that has a room that is now void of their daughter; a room full of her life that they walk by and sit in and maybe even avoid.  I cannot stop thinking about the need we all have to help or do something.  I cannot stop thinking about how I want to rewind time now for someone else.  I cannot stop thinking about the friends that now have an empty seat at their lunch table or their dance class.  I cannot stop thinking about the teachers that have a picture of a sweet girl in their class but can no longer talk to her or ask her if she understands.  I cannot stop thinking about how unfair this whole thing is for everyone.

There is never a life taken out of order that makes sense.  There is never a time when a tragedy reveals its "why."  So instead of asking why and instead of insisting God rewind time, my prayer will continue to be that God would stay close to the brokenhearted.  My prayer is also that the rest of us can be God's hands and feet to the brokenhearted when they need us most.  While there are no words and there are not even any actions that will change what has happened I pray we continue to be a refuge for the family and friends running, walking, and even barely crawling through this storm.  There is no end in sight, I realize that, but I pray they (and we all) cling to our heavenly Father.  

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Grief Takes You Back

Grief is triggered by something that cuts you deep to the core.  It takes something away that you weren't ready to let go of and it makes you rethink your everyday life; the way you walk through each day ahead of you.  Blood drips from the wound for what seems like eternity.  And it almost always leaves a scar.

I suppose the tragedy that just coursed through the veins of our community has me reliving my own journey; from the moment Charlie took his last breath to the funeral to the three years later walking down a road I didn't want to travel.  A road that seems "less traveled" until you walk down the lonely path and find people literally everywhere that can understand a small piece of your story; your grief.

I have thought about what happened and how her loved ones feel all day today and all day yesterday.  I am not sure a moment has gone by that my heart didn't physically hurt; specifically for her mom.  It may be because I am also a mom that now lives with my baby in heaven instead of here next to me.  I know how a mother's heart can ache.  I know our bond with our children is something that can't be replicated.

I have prayed many prayers over the past few days.  I have begged God for things for this family.

I pray we can all remember that grief is hard.  It is excruciating, near impossible, for her mom and dad.  It is devastating and pain filled for her brothers and other family.  It is sad for her best friends.  It doesn't feel real for her acquaintances.  It is "hard" and unnatural for every single person involved.  And every single person that knew her are grieving differently.  We will not see anyone follow any stage of grief in an orderly or predictable way.  We will instead see something unpredictable, involuntary, and downright terrible.

As someone on the outside, it may be helpful for you to acknowledge the situation and express your concern but it is not necessary for those actually grieving.  They may not even understand what you are saying or be able to comprehend its worth (especially so soon), instead they will know you are present with your words.  They need to know they have a support system if they do need or want to say something.  They just need to know you are there.

I pray those in a different place than her family can pick themselves up and go do something.  (...not everyone needs to bring them will go bad and they will throw it away.)  They need someone to mow their grass.  They need someone to feed their pets.  They need someone to make sure her schedule for school does not come in the mail (not yet).  I pray we can all think about our gifts and how we can use them to be what they need right now without asking.

I hope and pray each and every person that was touched by Michelle and her life can grieve in their own way.  I pray the class of 2021 can hold one another up as they walk the rest of their high school days missing their friend.  It true it is a tragedy and nothing will make it go away for now or maybe ever.  She will always be missing from her family and from her community.  

Monday, July 17, 2017

3 Years, 3 Reasons I Am Thankful Today

1. I am thankful for new beginnings each morning.  Without the sun coming up every morning it would feel like I could not ever close the door on the previous day and all of it's crap.

2. I am thankful for the small kiss my husband planted on my forehead yesterday during church.  It may have been a small gesture for him but it meant the world to me.  It meant that he cares and he loves me.  It was a "I will take care of you" kind of kiss.

3.  I am thankful I get to spend so much time with Macy and Johnny.  Our plan today is to live it up at Coney Island today.

Now, someone tell me to get up!  The time is now!  I need to face this day.  I need to celebrate Charlie!
Images by Freepik