Thursday, December 1, 2016

Grief Landmines

As a bereaved momma I have learned that as I try to grieve in a healthy way I absolutely cannot ignore my pain. I cannot ignore how sad I am.  I cannot ignore how grief impacts every aspect of my life.  It seems obvious to me now, but I feel like I need to continue to say it on my blog, not only for myself but for anyone else that may read this at the beginning of their journey or still walking this seemingly lonely path.    

It's all so weird though because as the holiday season sneaks up on us I am beginning to hear people say, "Make sure you count your blessings..." to not only myself but other people that may have a hole in their heart.   And trust me when I say there is no one or nothing anyone can say that could change or alter the unconditional love I have for my family.  I count my blessings daily; hourly.

However, what some people can't understand is telling me to focus on counting blessings instead of the very obvious person that is missing from our home is like asking someone to forget about their hair that has just caught on fire.  How would that go for you?  Would you be able to stop and let your hair just burst into flames without reacting?

I have been forced to learn to balance this empty place for Charlie while still being present for my family.  I have learned that there can be joy and sadness that exist at the exact same time.  As I walk through and around these grief landmines I continue to put my faith and trust in Jesus.  While he may not move the mountains I want him to move or part the sea I want him to part I know that my trust must remain in him.  He is infinitely better than anyone I know!  He is infinitely more concerned with me and my well being that anyone I know.        

Saturday, November 12, 2016

The 12 Gifts of Christmas

Dear Santa,

How amazing are these gift ideas?  Just sharing some of my favorite things.

1. Val Marie Paper

This prayer journal looks amazing.  It is exactly what I need to start 2017 with a prayerful frame of mind, with a perspective bigger than my world.

I am a sucker for hand lettering.  It is probably because I am so super envious of anyone that can make their words look so beautiful!  I adore this print.  I think I need to add it to my wall in my craft room.  It makes me think of Charlie.  

These. Shoes.  I cannot even!  I love them and who doesn't need red shoes to spice up their closet!?  And what is better than a discount!?  Here is 10% off!

Big earrings are a relatively new thing for me but once I found big, leather earrings I knew it was love! They are light and make a statement.  These are a fun color I kind of think are neutral.  I need them...and by need I mean they are super cute and would be lovely to add to my jewelry staples.  

I don't have a "go to" shampoo or conditioner.  I usually go with whatever is on sale or I have a coupon for when I am walking through the grocery.  But I have heard great things about Beauty Counter and would love to try their shampoo, conditioner, AND sea salt spray.  

I love fiction.  I love being able to escape in a world that isn't my own.  It makes me happy to get lost in a good story.  This one has me intrigued.  I would love to read it! 

Speaking of books, as soon as this one came out it has been on my list.  I love Chip and Joanna.  Who doesn't right!?  I need to get my hands on this one. ASAP.   

It would be silly to think that I could stop my obsession with Chip and Joanna with their book.  I think I should go ahead and put their magazine on my list as well.  

9. PowerPress

I have been making a lot of things lately and I think this really fun hobby will more than likely continue as the twins get older.  So why not invest in a press?  I think it is a great idea! 

This vest looks comfy and perfect for the upcoming colder weather.  And not only do I love the vest but I would go ahead and take the top, jeans, and hair too!  

I really love a good pair of tennis shoes that I can wear and be comfortable in.  This one just looks the part.  

12. (...More to come...I can't stop at 11 but my eyes are closing...Until tomorrow blogging world.)  

So John , I mean is my list.  At least for now!  Good luck shopping!  




Thursday, November 3, 2016

I Hate That...

I find that I so often say to myself and often to others, "I hate that I can't do...with Charlie." It is always a weird moment when even my closest people know there is not an appropriate response and yet I still find myself saying it because sometimes it's the only way I can say that I miss Charlie.  It lets people know that I need prayer and I need help to get through a lot of days still.  

There is this weird thing when in a community of grief "people" that makes it near impossible to say "I hate that I can't do...with Charlie." and not see a nodding head or a reassuring smile.  The reason there is this slight difference is because they know.  They have a small piece of them that misses dressing their child in a silly Halloween costume.  They understand that every single school year their heart will ache like mine because our children will never go to school.  They may even have gifts wrapped and ready for Christmas that will never be opened.  They get it.  They know from experience that I need prayer and I need help to get through a lot of days still.

I say all this to say, not one response or experience with these thoughts is better or more helpful than the other.  Whether you know what to say or not, whether you have been there or not, whether you feel helpful or not, it doesn't matter.  You are all my people.  I am thankful for you all every single day.

Monday, October 31, 2016

It's Halloween

It's Halloween.  It's one of our family's favorites.  We love dressing up, but much more importantly we LOVE candy.  This morning as I am driving to school one of those grief attacks came at the worst possible moment.  It was unexpected and absolutely not what you want to happen when you are getting ready to walk into a building with over 400 students staring at you because you look like the tree from the book The Giving Tree.  It's impossible not to look at someone dressed like a tree, crying no less.  So I pulled it together and just thought to myself instead of expressing it outwardly, 'What would Charlie have been if he were dressing up this year for Halloween?'  I can't help but wonder if he would have been like Macy and Johnny or a more typical Paw Patrol/Superhero costume.  So I ended the conversation with myself (in my head) with, 'I am sure he would have loved it just like we do.  I am sure he would have devoured candy just as the twins do.  It would have been so much fun with him here.'   



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