Soul Hope

For those of you that read this you probably know by now that it is therapeutic for me to write.  It helps me work out some of the crazy things in my head.  And when I don't get it out, whether that be with words, or through other outlets, I end up having days like I had today that don't go as well as they could.

This week we have done a lot of purging to ready ourselves for a yard sale we are having in an attempt to prepare for the new house.  It has been long evenings of cleaning, packing, preparing, and pricing.  Even when I think to myself around midnight that I need to lay down I struggle to actually fall asleep when I close my eyes.  It has been a week of nearly no sleep, which means that in the afternoon when the twins lay down my body is so heavy and so tired I have to lay down too.  That was my night (and week) prior to today.  I was sleep deprived.  I was exhausted. 

Last night I finally fell asleep around 3:30.  It felt like my eyes had literally just closed when I woke up to Macy saying, "Mommy, I have to pee!"  She was in my face and apparently wanted my company in the bathroom.  So I drug myself out of bed just long enough to help her on and off the potty and then convinced her and Johnny to lay in bed with us while I closed my eyes for a bit longer and they watched a television show.

It was rainy again and I feel like this rain is impacting my mood.  So I tried really hard to think of something we could do as a family that would require us to get out of our pajamas before noon.  So we ventured out to the twins very first movie.  Inside Out was a fan favorite and definitely one we will watch again.  This adventure worked for a couple of hours.  The twins enjoyed it.  We enjoyed it.  But we still had quite a long day ahead of us with a lot of their toys packed up and no sunshine!

The twins did lay down for a nap, we picked up a little bit around the house, and then all the sudden it hit me.  I couldn't keep my eyes open because my head hurt so badly.  I told John I was going to lay down.  Right about that time, the twins were stirring.  Seriously, already!?  John told them I didn't feel well and let me sleep.  A little while later I woke up to John telling me they were going to his parents for dinner.  I rolled back over in bed and fell back asleep until 6:00.  I almost called and cancelled my plans because I couldn't shake the headache and overwhelming sadness; but I didn't.  I needed to get up.

Megan picked me up, waited patiently for me to get ready, and then together we went to make shoes for kids in Uganda.  Rachel had run across a group called Soul Hope that makes shoes for kids in Africa.  Their story is incredible.  Her and her friend Jenna planned a party and tonight we all came together and made 32 pairs of shoes.  I am thankful for tonight and for the opportunity to be with friends that know where my heart is and how to get it back in the right place.  I could have stayed in bed, but I didn't.  I got up and kept going.  I don't think it is ironic at all that we were working tonight for Soul Hope.  I think it was just a good reminder that we can have hope in all different kinds of circumstances and at all different times in our lives. 

Joy and Melanie Shankle

I am not sure why I haven't posted about this yet because it has been a source of joy over the last week or so; literally every time I think about it I smile.  I am typing now with a huge smile on my face.

So this is how the story goes...

Tuesday at 12:05 I was in my classroom eating lunch.  The girls normally join me, but since Megan is at Johnson on Tuesdays it was just Rachel and I.  I heard the 'ding' of my email go off and turned around in my chair to see who it was from.  I am normally not able to check my email until my students have special area class so the fact that I saw this email come in during my normal lunch was a miracle all in itself.  I saw the name "Melanie" in the email address line and "Hi!" in the subject box.  I think the only person that I know with the name Melanie is Melanie Shankle and let's be real, I really don't know her I just pretend I know her.  I know you all understand.  You have to have people that you see on television or in a magazine (or in this case whose book you've read) and you just know if you met you'd be fast friends.  That is how my friends and I feel about Melanie.  We love her.

So in that instant when I thought it could be my BFF Melanie Shankle I lost it.  I opened the email and cried and then laughed and then squealed when I read that the name at the bottom of that email actually was Melanie Shankle.

You have got to be kidding me!  I looked at Rachel and asked her if she made up a fake email with Melanie's name because this couldn't be real.  She assured me it was real and that Megan had written Melanie to share my blog and story.  She said they had been waiting several weeks for me to get this email after Melanie replied to Megan and told her she would send something.  I was so excited I think people passing by my room may have thought the royal baby herself had graced my presence during my lunch break.

What?!

Melanie Shankle, author of Sparkly Green Earrings, Antelope in the Living Room, and Nobody's Cuter Than You, wrote me an email!  I couldn't believe it!  I was star struck.  I kind of wish I had a video of how I acted in that moment. (Or maybe not...)  Either way you would have all witnessed pure joy had you seen my reaction to that email.  And to top it all off, her words were beautiful, they were encouraging.

The email wasn't long, just two short paragraphs, but it said exactly what I needed to hear.  I felt like God was saying, "I told you I am here.  My faithfulness is never failing and I will take care of encouraging your heart and your spirit; even when the words come from a complete stranger."  She encouraged me to keep going, keep seeking God in a situation that feels impossible.  She said, "Let him turn your ashes into beauty."  I think I may have audibly said, "I will."

After reflecting on all of this; my absolute hysteria, the tears as I read about how she knew a little about Charlie, the idea that some people are just good, the way you want them to be, and the fact that Melanie Shankle seriously wrote ME an email...the thing that stands out the most is none of that.  It is the friend that emailed Melanie to tell her about me.  Knowing that at some point I want to put words into the pages of a book this friend thought this would fill my heart with joy and she wanted to see that.  She trusted that this gut feeling to make me smile was worth it and she literally emailed Melanie Shankle (probably my favorite author ever) and expected an answer.

That is what you call a friend.  Megan, I love your heart.  Thank you for your persistence and for knowing that joy is such great medicine!  Thank you for being a source of joy in my life.  

Wisdom

Wisdom, in my humble opinion, is something that I tend to see more in women (and men) that are older than myself.

In Job 12:12 it says, "Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?"  And again in Proverbs 13:1 it reads, "A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke."  I would say God knows what He is talking about when he says that as we age, we also gain understanding, or wisdom. And with that being said, I am always good to listen to the advice and wisdom of those in a place of seniority, especially when those words of wisdom are coming from my friend, Mary Moore.  This friendship is new, or should I say given to me in God's most precious timing.   I have known her for several years.  I have always loved her and I have always looked up to her, but now, in a matter of a few weeks I have seen her heart and she has seen mine.  We are intertwined in God's story together and I am so glad.  She has so much wisdom to share.

This story tonight is probably only this special to my heart, but it needed to be shared because I have a feeling everyone has a Mary that can impart so much wisdom is we just confide in them.  So here it goes; in order to keep this half marathon run in a few weeks in perspective I needed this handful of wisdom that I could shove in my back pocket and pull out whenever the "competition" got the best of me.  Mary reminded of something that I absolutely needed to hear and be reminded of because I am simply not wise enough to have brought myself back to my reality.  As I talked with this sweet friend outside after our small group tonight, she kindly and gently listened as I told her that this run is for Charlie.  As I am crawling out of a place of grief that is deep I want to finish this because I want to beat Satan.  I want to do it and be able to say, "I'm ok."  I want to be a mom that my babies (all three of them) and husband are proud of.  I want to be a person of strong character that finishes what I start.  I want to be someone that people look up to because I follow through and I made it through (not only this race training but through this stage of grief). When I started training that was exactly why.  Those were the only reasons why I ran.  

I remember those thoughts like they are burned into my skin.  It was like an oath I took with myself.  I promised I wouldn't give up.  And while that is why I started running, literally the exact opposite is how I have felt recently.  The words that came out of my mouth that have been stuck in my heart for several days were, "I don't think I can do it.  I don't think I am going to run."  When I said that out loud in that moment, there was no judgement.  She let me explain and then reminded me that before I was wrapped up in my "pace" or "time" I was doing it for a completely different reason.  I was enjoying my runs.  I was releasing frustrations, anger, sadness, and I was making myself better for my family.  Then (it was no one's fault but my own) my need to compete and beat a certain time or make a certain time took over and derailed my real purpose.  It was like someone told me if you don't make this certain time you can't finish.  So as she redirected me and reassured me that I could do it and I would do it, I felt that wisdom wash all those insecurities and "times" away.

It's about me and Charlie on May 3rd.  I will finish for him.  

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."  James 3: 17

Thank you Mary for being all those things listed above as you shared so much wisdom and understanding with me.

Surprise!

When the days are hard and it all seems too overwhelming it is good to know God purposely puts people in our life to make sure we get through those days (or nights as it may be).

Right around dinner yesterday, I received a message with a picture of three adorable kids in Christmas jammies and a message on a big whiteboard that said their prayer was, "Casey and Johnny for JOY this Christmas."  How did they know my mind was wandering and I was wishing Charlie was here with us for Thanksgiving and the upcoming Christmas season?  I obviously always want Charlie and wish he was here but yesterday it felt heavier than normal and it absolutely NEVER fails that these friends send a message on my worst days.  Why am I surprised a text came through on a hard day from some of our most loving and selfless friends?    

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I get to this "point of no return" where the silence in my home makes me restless and more simply put, sad.  I was awake in bed so I got up, I went downstairs, and the tears came.

I decided to look up a couple of advent devotions.  It was something to distract me, which is what I have learned I have to do sometimes.  I came across one that was sent to my email from our church, Crossroads.  They sent it out to all the families that are apart of our Kids Club.  For the beginning of this advent season this particular devotion was written perfectly.

Jesus "crashed into the world" to show us the incredible love our Father has for his children.  The devotion suggested that as a family we make a list of all the ways God surprises us because God's surprises always reveal his love.  Last night and this morning I experienced exactly what this devotion was referring to but I didn't realize it until now.  God knew that devotion would be sent to my email and he knew that it would lead me to a place of recognizing that I need the support of the people around me.  Every single one of them, I need them.  Why am I surprised God showed up in that email and taught me an invaluable lesson through my kids devotion?

I sent a message to five of my best friends at midnight last night when I needed to sleep but I couldn't after many failed attempts.  I explained that I just needed them to pray that my eyes would close.  It is apparent that these prayer warriors came through for me because I fell asleep on the couch far sooner than I typically would when these nights come in waves.  I was actually so soundly asleep that at one point in the night I got up and went to my bed, but I don't remember moving a muscle once I finally closed my eyes.  Why am I surprised God showed up in those precious friends and their sweet prayers?

I slept a little later than normal but once I mustered up enough courage to face the day I got dressed and made a lunch I could look forward to eating.  I needed something "good" to look forward to in order to make it to the halfway point of the day; as strange as that seems.

So I made my way into school and immediately went to my room.  I walked into my classroom close to when school was starting and was greeted by a sweet friend with a gift in a fun red bag.  She had mentioned the day before that she had bought my birthday gift and was very excited to give it to me.  Apparently she couldn't wait.  (God thing?)  I opened the gift and found a beautiful handmade bracelet that was crafted from a vintage silver spoon.  The spoon read, "Hope Anchors the Soul."  Why am I surprised that God showed up this morning in a friend that knows me like we've been friends our whole lives?  

These four "big surprises" aren't really surprises.  They are God putting his hand on me in a very physical way to provide some sort of comfort in this lonesome, sad, and debilitating season of my life.  He knew what I needed and it doesn't surprise me anymore.  It is normal when you have Him with you.  It is normal to feel His hand and His comfort when you most need Him.  That is just one promise we have when He is in our heart.