Big Oakie

Have you ever done something really hard (and even fought with yourself about whether or not you actually wanted to do it as you were trying to do it) and then looked back on it and realized it was one of the most fun thing you have ever done?! 

I was thinking about this when John and Macy and I went on a hike in the Tree Trails in Fort Thomas.  We made it to the tree they have lovingly named "Big Oakie."  They love this tree and know that when it comes up in the trail they want to stop and see if they can actually get inside.  It has an opening big enough for them to fit in to and then once they are in it there is actually a little more room to move around.  They have never before had the courage to crawl inside. 

Once we made it to "Big Oakie" on this particular hike they were determined to get inside of it.  They tried.  They changed their minds.  They attempted again.  They got their head inside and then got nervous and backed up quickly to ensure they wouldn't get stuck.  There were even tears streaming down Macy's face as she tried and then got too nervous and backed up.  She looked at me and said, "I am not going any further on this trail until I do this!"  They were both determined but also so so scared.  After probably 20-30 minutes of trying and failing they finally both did it!  The success of Macy's was just the push John needed to do it too.  When they got inside they were not completely relieved because they still feared whether or not they would be able to get out.  Obviously I knew they were going to be fine.  I wouldn't have let them do it if I thought they were in any real danger. 

It reminded me of God and some of the things we are going through right now.  The parallels are not perfect but it reminded me that for most of us, this pandemic will impact us in small ways compared to others.  We will have to stay home more than normal, we will grocery shop alone with masks covering our faces, and our "normal lives" will be impacted and put on hold.  We may feel uncomfortable while we are in the midst of it all just like Macy and John did as they tried to get inside the trunk of that tree, but I have a feeling when we look back it may be some of the sweetest time we spend with our families.  When we walked away from that tree they said, "That was really fun!"  If you had been there as a witness I have a feeling you may not have thought that was the most "fun" part of the hike, but they did!  They enjoyed figuring it out and being pushed outside if their comfort place. 

I think this crisis could teach us all to be still more.

I think we may learn to take advantage of our time without distractions.

I think we could even look back and say, "That was fun." 

Obviously, some people are experiencing different stories than our own.  Some of our doctors and nurses, and food service friends are on the front lines.  I am not in any way downplaying any of that or the seriousness of this virus but for those of us staying home and waiting this out, I hope we can look back and think that wasn't as bad I thought it was going to be.  I hope being interrupted and pushed makes us better and stronger than before.         

Treasures from the Eye Doctor

Today we stopped by Charlie's grave.  It looked like it was going to rain but we snuck over anyway.  The twins had been to the eye doctor the day prior and while it wasn't the easiest experience for this momma they did do pretty well all things considered.  By the end of the visit they were rewarded with a few stickers and that was all it took to make them smile.  Today when we arrived at the cemetery John said, "Momma, can I give Charlie him one of my stickers?  Because, if he were here he wouldn't be big enough to go the eye doctor and he wouldn't have gotten a sticker.  If he were here I would have given him one of my stickers."  Macy quickly chimed in and said, "I have two I want to give him too.  He'll love these!"  Of course I was more than happy to allow them to share their treasure with their brother.

It made my heart happy.

Happy Tuesday little man!

One more thing; Macy saw the monument hidden in the shrubs and she said, "Mom, why can't Charlie have a grave like that one?!  He deserves a big one like that!"  I chuckled and just smiled at her.  You are such a cheerleader for the people you love Macy.  You always want the best for them.  I love that about you sweet girl.        

It's Even in the Highlander

We only have to get two kids in the car each time we leave our house or anywhere for that matter.  Most people would think 'No problem!  They jump in, buckle themselves, and then tell us they are ready to get going with a quick "Ready Mommy!" shoutout.'

It all seems pretty simple really.  And it is until grief interrupts this picture perfect scenario because you see, it wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have three car seats.  Three babies.  Three little people to get to and from place to place.

I should be dealing with a whole lot less trunk space.  Let's just say when the third row is up we can't go for a haul at the grocery store because our food would't fit in our less than ideal trunk size.  I should have to strategically plan a time to go when I don't have all three kids.  I should have to take out a car seat and lay down the third row.  I should have to deal with this inconvenience and I wish I did because that would mean Charlie is with us.

I should be remembering who was in the "way back" last.  The twins should be arguing about why it isn't fair that they aren't in the back this particular car ride.  I should be calming everyone down while still buckling a little one in a car seat.  I should be mediating the disagreement between the twins.  I should have to deal with this type of life moment where the twins thought this was a big deal and I wish I did because that would mean Charlie is with us.

I should be getting in my car and driving around town with my windows down belting out my favorite lyrics.  I used to sing LOUD in my car y'all.  I should be sharing these vocal chords with the entire town of Fort Thomas.  I should have three kids telling me to turn it down because I am embarrassing them.  I should be singing and laughing and rolling the windows down and I wish I was because that would mean Charlie is with us.

It was all simple when I thought death couldn't touch us.  It was all really simple when I was naive...or maybe a better word is ignorant?  Ignorance is bliss right?!  I would love for just one more day to deal with less trunk space or arguing twins.  I would love for just one more day to go back to feeling free and joy filled all the time!

It is crazy to me really that opening my car door and stepping up into my Highlander can evoke all of these feelings and thoughts in just seconds.  It can take your breath away.  It can cause you to lose control of the entire day.  It's called grief.  It's even in the Highlander.  It's hard and it's real.    

     

Roses for Days

Today I felt every emotion.  Today made me cry and then three seconds later it had me smiling from ear to ear.   I just cannot believe that my babies are four years old.

Four years ago on this day my water broke on my classroom floor and as "prepared" as we thought we were neither of us had any idea what was just hours ahead of us as we drove to the hospital.  As I reminisced today about that perfect day four years ago I couldn't help but think that's the beauty of it all.  We had no idea at 1:10 and 1:20 we would deliver Macy and then John.  We had no idea what a huge blessing they would be in our lives.  And tonight, as I sit in my bed and type my thoughts about this day, I can honestly say I had no idea the kind of love that only unveils itself when you have kids even existed.  It's impossible to even put into words something that would adequately describe that kind of love.  

Our day began with two very excited four year olds waking up and realizing that it was indeed their "big day!"  They had waited so long for this day.  I can't even count the number of times Macy asked, "Mommy, what number am I?"  I was finally able to tell her four and the smile on her beautiful face could have spread joy from here to Africa.  John and I did have to go to work today, but the twins were in wonderful hands.  They spent the day with one of their favorite people, Mrs. Jenny.  I heard all about their adventures when I got home from work.  It makes me overjoyed to know that they are so well taken care of and they love Mrs. Jenny so much.

It didn't take long for them to realize that now that their dad and I were both home they were able to open their gifts from us.  The excitement y'all...I want to box it up and save it for a rainy day!  They opened their gifts and both of them stopped once they opened them all and said, "Thank you so much Mommy and Daddy!  I love them so much!"  John always get so excited to thank someone and Macy just loves making people happy.  I also really think we could have wrapped up coal and given it to them and they would have still been happy to find a use for what would seem meaningless to most.  They just couldn't help themselves.  It overflowed.  Macy received her first American Girl doll (which she named Rosie), a gardening set for her doll, a birthday crown for her doll, a doggie doctor kit, a hula hoop, and kinetic sand.  Her favorite was her American Girl doll.  John received his first big set of legos, glow in the dark train tracks, a nerf gun, and (coming soon) a golf mat for the backyard.  His favorite gift was by far the nerf gun.

After we opened gifts we spent a bit of time on the phone with Lolli and Pop.  Once they showed off all their gifts and spread their infectious joy to Lolli and Pop's house we decided on dinner with the Carrolls at Skyline.  This is one of the twins favorite restaurants and kids eat free on Tuesdays didn't hurt their cause either.   After dinner we had a bit of extra time before they were supposed to visit Wise Owl to meet their teacher so we stopped at Tower Park.  To our surprise Marty's Waffles was parked their just waiting for us!  It had to be meant to be!  Little Jay saw the truck and immediately started yelling, "Look!!!  Waffles!!!"  So we HAD TO stop for waffles.  It clearly didn't matter that we were absolutely STUFFED from Skyline.  We needed a waffle!  

That alongside seeing the twins bounce into Wise Owl to meet their teacher had my heart just so happy.

We don't just smell roses but for now, God has led us into a field of them.  It's the only thing we can see in our future.  Roses for days!    

I also wanted to document the conversations I had with the twins today.  They made me grin.

"Mom, what number am I?" (Macy)
"May, you're four!  Today is your birthday!" (Me)
"Finally!!  I have been waiting all my life!" (Macy)

"Johnny, you are so big!  You are four years old today!" (Me)
"I know!  I am four, and then I will be six, and then I will be in your driver's seat!" (Johnny)
"Wait just a second!  Don't get ahead of yourself..." (Me)
"I'm not mom!  I am just getting bigger!" (Johnny)

"These are the best presents we have ever gotten!" (Johnny)

What a perfect age!  Four year old.  Thank you Lord for the four years you have left me be their mom.  I am so honored to have that privilege.

Our Story

If you read my blog you know there are so many things that have been life boats in this ocean of grief I feel like I have been drowning in for the past almost two years.  Today, I can say that the waves are slowly calming down a bit, at least for this season.  This morning I woke up and last year I would have been upset that people were happy.  I would have been frustrated that the sun was shining.  I would have been mad that people were singing to the songs on the radio.  The 17th of the month has cause all kinds of heart ache.  It all made me so mad because it wasn't fair.  How could everyone else be so darn happy?!  I had something so devastating happen and no one cared. My perspective has completely changed.  I now know that I can experience joy and feel sorrow at the exact same time. 

While there are numerous things that I would attribute this to one thing that has been a consistent place of refuge has been the grief group I was apart of at Crossroads for the last eight weeks.  Not only that but I am also so thankful my doctor told me to get outside and exercise.  I'm pretty positive I've been able to experience more joy because I am leaning into my grief and because I am taking better care of myself.  I think it has helped me see things a little more clearly and learn from those perfect and divine experiences God has so graciously placed in my life.

I am excited to continue to share our story.   

His Name is Charlie

I took Macy and Johnny to the park tonight.  I met a friend and we spent the evening talking while our kids played.  Another mom was close by and smiled and spoke to us several times.  She was very kind and laughed with us as we listened to our kids talk and make new friends with one another while they took turns on the slide.

We ended up at opposite ends of the park but when we approached each other again she looked at me with a curious look.  She said, "Are they twins?"  And in that instant I knew what would follow...

"How old are they?"

"They just turned three."

"I kept trying to figure out which one was older..."

"Well, Macy, my strong willed little girl, came out just ten minutes before her brother."

"Do you have any other kids?"

"No."

"I would think not...after twins you probably realized that would do just fine...and a boy and a girl...that worked out just perfectly!" 

I knew it was coming and my heart still stopped when that conversation actually happened.  I say "no" only because I don't want to make the person asking uncomfortable.  I really want to say yes, but how do you say your third child is in heaven.  I'm not sure this question will ever get easier.  I'm not sure I will ever really know how to answer.

I just hope Charlie hears my heart cry, "YES!  I have another little boy named Charlie."

I am left thinking about this verse that was sent to me tonight.  It fits times like this perfectly.  I could write one million and one blog posts about things like this that happen everyday and never will the pain and heartache go away.  Instead I keep praying for His grace that gets me through it all.  

God doesn't necessarily take us out of pain and heartache.  Instead He gives us all the grace and everything we need to persevere in heartache.   1 Peter 1:3

Lonely

I can't quite figure out how not to be alone in this grief. 

I go from one day to the next not really knowing how it is going to affect my entire mood and personality.  I try so hard not to be the sobbing burdensome friend that I think I am making it worse because now that I have held it together for so long I think I have forgotten how to cry in front of other people and I have led people to believe I am good.  I know that I need to let it out but I can't let myself really cry until I am completely alone.  This is a weird and awful thing to admit.  How are you supposed to go on without a part of yourself?  I feel like if I get upset I will literally lose all composure.  I am suddenly taken back to those should and shouldn'ts.  They so quickly consume my thoughts. 

It has been over a year, I can't possible lose it in the middle of the hallway...

What would people think if I couldn't come to school because of Charlie...

"What happened? You were fine just a minute ago..."

"Is she ok?  I thought she was getting better?"  

This idea I  have in my head of the well intentioned thoughts of other people is painful.  The concern that I imagine people would have, while all in love, is hard to learn to live with.  And it may not even exist! 

So I hold it in.  Even when I want to let it out, I hold it in. 

What a horrible hold Satan can have on a person with this awful thing called grief.  Maybe I am naive but I think it might be one of the strongest grips he can get on a person.  It simply does not go away, ever.  

I can't end this post on this day without reminding myself of something I am thankful for.  So tonight, I am thankful that Macy and Johnny remind me so often how much they love me.  When they say, "I love you mommy." I am reminded that being a mommy is such a special gift that absolutely cannot be taken for granted.  Their unconditional love is just a small glimpse of heaven that I yearn for so so much.

Y'all!

We made it to the pool today and I literally thought I might cry (tears of joy this time, not frustration)!

We have been stuck in the house for far too long and if you read yesterday you know that I was on the verge of a meltdown!   I knew we needed to get out but that still did not motivate me to get my rear end out of bed.  This morning the person that God so graciously placed in my ear first thing this morning was my sister.  She called twice...within minutes. Thank goodness for the timing of all the people in my life calling to get me up and moving because I may still be in the same pajamas and in the same place had she not called!

She had no idea how much I needed to get out (or maybe she did...) but she called and said her kids were going crazy and wondered if we wanted to go to Coney.  I said, "Of course...I think we need to get out too."  

So we packed our pool bag (rather quickly), met at Coney, and enjoyed three glorious hours at the pool!  It almost felt like we were relaxing!  I think I may have even got a little bit of a sun burn!  Hallelujah!

And it didn't end there.  We went our separate ways to enjoy a nice LONG nap and then Kari called me a bit later to let me know that it was cow appreciation day at Chick-Fil-A.  I mean who wants to miss that!?  So of course we said we'd love to go, not only for the free chicken but also because our electricity is out and we can't be in our backyard because of all the limbs still falling out of our trees at the current moment.  No television and no outside = NO fun!  So we met them at Chick-Fil-A dressed in full cow gear and enjoyed dinner together.

Our night continued at the mall where I found a new pair of shoes (or two) and the kids played while Kari and I enjoyed a pretzel from the Pretzel Twister.  Again, I would say we were almost relaxing and enjoying each other's company...what a change from just one day ago.

It's always an adventure with four kids but today for some reason they were ALL in perfect moods and listened actually really well.  I think we spent a total of $3.50 (minus my new shoes) and I would probably bet anyone my kids would say this was one of the best days they have had all summer.  It was perfect.  I think I may say the same thing.

And bonus...I heard WAY more giggling today than I heard crying.  That always makes for a good day.  Here is a round up of the past few days.

   

P.S. Thank you to the sweet friend that sent me a text at the most perfect time this morning to reassure me that it is completely normal for the emotionally unstable two year olds to cry A. LOT.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

My kids are in a bad mood.  Maybe it is because there are two of them, but it seems like no matter what we do or where we are someone is crying ALL THE TIME.  I guess the past few weeks I have been extra sensitive but I'm over the constant whining and crying.  Please someone tell me this is normal for two TWO year olds!?  It does not seem normal.  AT. ALL.  

Today was a perfect example.  Typically when we are in the car longer than three seconds Macy gets whiny.  She is fine until we tell her we are going somewhere that she doesn't want to go and then everything hurts and she cries for someone to hold her until magically she is cured of all ailments the second her feet hit the ground.  I mean talk about making a momma go crazy (and in the car too)!  So anyway, we are driving home this evening from Kari and Philip's house.  Erlanger isn't far away at all, but just far enough for Macy to get annoyed if she is tired.  Of all days her normal doesn't show up, but I am confident you can guess who took her place as the tired, crying twin the entire trip home...I wanted to cry.  My nerves can't handle much more.  I think I'll blame it on the rain.  

Please rain go away tomorrow so we can go to the pool!  You're killing me!      

Reality

The reality of this summer is I want to crawl into a hole until it is over.  Literally today without one bit of grief from my husband I crawled back into bed after helping the twins get breakfast and slept until noon.  I was having an awful time sleeping last night and I guess everything just caught up to me.  All the emotion I am typically so good at holding in kind of leaked out {at like midnight}.

So this morning I slept.

But just as the title of this post says, my reality is met with the reality that the twins have no idea why summers (probably for the rest of our life) engage our family in a period of grief and sadness.  They don't understand why I want to stay in bed.  They really only briefly want to know if I am ok when I get headaches.  They probably don't really remember Charlie very much at all.

June 30th is so special and in the same thought I think July 17 is so devastating.  But the twins are two and they are busy and they don't understand!  They want to go swimming, swing at the park, go fishing, dig in the dirt, go camping, take walks, run through the sprinkler, eat ice cream, and the list goes on!  Who would blame them!?  It's summer!  When I think about all this the reality is that they are what has kept me getting up out of bed for the last year.

Today is a good example of that reality.  After my hibernation period, John decided it was time to take the twins camping.  We packed up our things and headed out to AJ Jolly Park.  We needed to mark something off our summer bucket list.  John is good at keeping us going and helping us make new happy memories together.  And it was a happy time.  It was their first camping trip.  They were able to fish with their new fishing poles, eat hot dogs that were cooked on the camping stove, roast marshmallows over the fire, and sleep in a tent in the "forest" as they call it.

John talked me into driving back home (which didn't take much coaxing because if you know me at all you know camping is not my thing...) to spend a quiet night at home alone.  And it's been a good night.  I was able to indulge in some cookies and ice cream and read a few chapters in a book I started forever ago!  I also made a quick video of their first camping excursion because what's a mom to do in a quiet peaceful house without her kids and husband!?

While I am thankful for this much needed quiet summer I still need help to get through some of these days.  We are coming up on some of the hardest days I think this year can possibly contain.  I hope I can make it through them all with a little bit of that joy that I want my kids to experience.

          

Finding Nemo

When you think of the movie Finding Nemo, you are probably like me in that you remember that it's about a few fish, namely Dorie and Nemo, and a big ocean.  Not much more about the story comes to my mind until I watched it again tonight with John and the twins.  After our trip to the grocery and after the twins were fed we sat them down for a minute in the family room to watch Finding Nemo, that we had DVRed, while we waited for our dinner to finish baking and then eat. 

I had completely forgotten that this sweet loving father in the movie loses his wife and all of his kids before the movie even really makes it out of the opening credits.  Immediately this movie found a new place in my heart.  Tears were rolling down my face as I ate a piece of my asparagus.  I know how that sweet, loving dad feels.  That empty, scared, sad feeling when you feel like you can't go on.  And then there is this tiny speck of hope, in his son, like I found in my husband and my kids.  This hope that makes you press on and gives you a reason to get up in the morning.  Then to make matters worse in his family friendly Disney movie, the poor dad loses his only son, Nemo, and spends his life searching for him.  I can't imagine.

So, I know right now I am going to a new place and comparing my life to a Disney movie but just hang with me.  At the end of the movie, after we had cleaned up dinner and we sat down together to see the end, we watched this dad that had just been reunited with his son after tirelessly searching for him let him go again.  He didn't want to, but he knew he had to.  He let Nemo go so that he could live with purpose (and again I know it's a Disney movie...) but he saved Dorie.  He convinced the fish that were trapped in a net with their friend Dorie to all work together to swim down and escape from the prison the fisherman had trapped them in. 

I am constantly reminded that I cannot let what happened to us keep me from allowing my kids to live their life to the fullest.  I cannot be afraid to let them do things or become their own people.  I cannot pretend they are a crab and keep them trapped in a bucket of water or for that matter become a "helicopter fish" like I watched in Finding Nemo.  They won't make it.  I have to let them go.  I have to give them some freedom to learn from their own mistakes and experiences. 

Big Mama, one of my favorite writers, wrote a book called, "Sparkly Green Earrings" that reminds me of this truth as well.  If you haven't read it I have a copy you can borrow.  My favorite part in her book is when she described a time in her life when she witnessed her daughter do just like what I described with a crab.  It hit her kind of like this movie did me tonight, that we cannot keep our kids sheltered and protected forever because in the long run we are doing them more harm than good.  Even as little as my two kids are right now I know that there is truth in this.  I cannot protect them from the world.  I cannot protect them from even the scariest thing in my mind; genetic disorders and pain.  I have to trust that they will learn from imperfect moments in their lives and hopefully with John and I's unconditional love and support, become strong and courageous people that can stand on their own two feet.

So yes, I am thankful for the movie Finding Nemo tonight and for the lesson I can learn from fish, namely Nemo's dad, in this Disney movie.  Who would have thought?       

Don't Blink

There are decisions that you really think about and weigh the pros and cons for (and if you're me this takes FOREVER) and then there are decisions you just say yes to because you know it all has to be too good to be true and if you don't say yes right away it will be gone before you blink your eyes again.

We made one of those decisions this past week.  We were so graciously handed an incredible opportunity to build a home in Fort Thomas.  If you live here you know how so so rare this is.  You would have done the same thing; say yes, because not only is the story behind this simple question special, God's hand was obviously orchestrating it.  We will forever cherish the timing and God's hand in each part as we move forward and make a new home for our family.     

I have not been able to get out of bed for over 7 months without feeling sad.  When you're missing a precious piece of your family it goes without saying it carries the weight of one million pounds.  And all of that weight rests on your shoulders when you get out of bed each day.  However, this past Sunday I woke up with a different feeling.  It was a feeling of new beginnings, of joy, and of happiness.  We have something so special to look forward to.  I wasnt sure if this would ever be again.  Of course my sweet husband, and kids, and family, and friends make me smile for small moments at a time but my constant thought and fear was, would we make it to a place where we would be truly happy?  This home is a new start for us in a place that can hold happy memories of Charlie without the overwhelming sadness of his nursery or the scary memories of rushing out the back door to take him to the doctor, or the in and out we did while we traveled back and forth to Children's.  None of those heart stopping painful memories will be there.

While it is just a house, for us it's our new home and it is helping me look forward. And while it is kind of scary to move past some of the sad, I think really I am.  I think I am starting to look forward without feeling this overwhelming guilt of leaving Charlie behind us.

I'm trying not to blink. It can't be too good to be true, right? 

Treasures in a Normal Day

Both the twins found a picture of themselves with Charlie in Charlie's old bedroom yesterday.  My mom had helped me put the few pictures that we had of Charlie in frames for the funeral.  Now, several of them are dispersed throughout our home so that when anyone walks in they do not mistake us for having two kids.  We have three.

The best part about the twins finding those pictures is their reaction to who was with them in those pictures.  They both knew immediately.  Macy hugged her frame and said in her sweet and motherly voice, "Ahhh...Baby Charlie" while Johnny said something about playing with Charlie and sharing his pillow.

I hope we can keep those sweet memories alive for them.  I hope that we can always do something special to remember how precious Charlie is to us and how deeply we miss him every day.  But most importantly my hope is that as we start doing more things and developing another new routine or "normal" as some may say, I pray we are still enough to hear those precious voices say Charlie's name and recognize that he is their brother.

Those moments are priceless and moments I will treasure forever, as long as I live.

Snow Day

Did I mention today was a snow day?! If I didn't I should have!  ...Of course I am thankful for that too!!

Little BIG People

Today when I came home from school I looked at the twins and all the sudden they were their own little BIG people.  Both of them were putting on their jackets to go outside and they explained exactly what they were doing.  "Mommy, jackets on.  Go outside."  They have figured it out.  They have finally learned that they can put full sentences together to express to someone what they do or do not want.  They also understand and listen (for the most part) to what I am saying.  I explained to the both of them that I needed to change my clothes and then I would go outside with them and play.  Johnny said, "OK mommy. No problem." and waited by the door while I did just that.  

Today this mom thing, I have it figured out.  (Please don't ask me tomorrow...) 

Once we made our way outside I decided to take them with me on my three mile run while John was teaching chess club at school.  I didn't want to have to go later in the evening and since it was so nice outside I decided to go for it.  I am going to go ahead and admit right now that was probably the worst idea I have had all day.  My arms started feeling like jello two minutes into our "run." 

But the part of this excursion I never want to forget is how the twins really understood what I told them when I said, "Mommy wants to keep going for three miles.  If I stop I want you to say, 'Keep going mommy!'"  And being the little BIG people that they suddenly are they did just that.  The first time I heard it I laughed.  Then I just smiled because their personalities are unfolding before my eyes.  I get to witness their lives take shape.  I get to watch them learn.  What a blessing! 

The very first part of the run was uphill.  My absolute worst nightmare when I run by the way.  If I could run on a flat country road for the rest of my life I would be completely content to never stop, but I live in Fort Thomas and that will never happen again as long as I live.  So as I slowed down to a stop (not even a fourth of a mile in) Johnny yelled, "Don't stop mommy!  Hurry up!  Go faster!"  It was that sweet little voice of encouragement that motivated me to run continuously for close to three miles.  Yes, I say close to three miles because pushing 60 pounds and a stroller is a lot harder than one may think.  I am counting the two and a half miles tonight for six.  I may even say more like ten miles tomorrow if you ask and I can't lift a pencil.      

The run ended with a cheer when they spotted their daddy in the driveway.  They were especially excited when we decided on our usual for dinner; Skyline.  When we arrived they waved to our waitress, walked right to our table, and they asked the waitress for their drink.  Johnny chose milk and Macy water and finished their request with "please".  They asked for their food by name, ate literally all of it, and sat patiently while we all finished eating and talking.  Baths and books ended our evening and we are all smiling now as we lay in bed.  

Maybe it was the weather?  Maybe it was a blessing from God?  Maybe a little bit of both.  Whatever it was I am grateful and so excited to continue to watch Macy and Johnny explore and learn new things as they grow into even bigger people.        

Thankful

I am not sure why I have neglected this outlet as of late but being sick, passing a kidney stone, and needing a few days that were not consumed with grief were necessary for me to go on about my days.  So I am back and writing why I am thankful.  I love making lists so here it goes...

1. Charlie is in heaven.  Charlie is in heaven with our Father that loves him more than we can even begin to imagine.  I will forever be thankful that we have this hope of heaven. 

2. Macy and Johnny make me smile.  They say the most hilarious (and polite) things for two year olds.  John and I took Johnny to the doctor yesterday after a few days of a cough.  As we were leaving he said, "Thank you much..." and then as he normally does, followed up quickly with, "You're welcome." before the doctor could respond.  She just smiled and said he was the cutest patient by far that she had all day.  I am thankful and absolutely love that they are talking!

3. My husband is kind.  This may seem silly but as I made a wreath for my mom last night he held his finger on each string I needed to tie around the wreath.  He laid on the floor, held his finger on the strings, and watched a Hallmark movie with us.  He probably wouldn't have chosen to do those things had he been alone (actually I know he wouldn't have) but he did it anyway, and had a smile on his face.  I am thankful for that smile.

4. My mom and dad let us come to their house and completely take over.  When I say take over, I mean we literally took their house by storm.  We pulled into their driveway, drug in our one million and one bags, toys immediately landed in every crevice of their house, beds were unmade, food was left half eaten on high chairs, and both of my parents had smiles on their faces.  I am not sure I would be the same way...but I am thankful just the same.

5. My sister gave me an ornament for our tree.  It is my new favorite ornament.  On the front is my favorite picture of my Charlie and on the back is the day and time he was born, his weight, his length, and his full name.  For some reason my mind sometimes draws a blank when I think back to June 30th.  I don't know why but I panic when I think about forgetting all those things about Charlie.  I actually haven't put it on the tree yet because it's next to my bed on the table.  I am thankful my sister knows me so well and made this ornament just for me.

6. Black Friday was this past weekend.  I am not really sure why but I love Black Friday but I do.  My mom and I went out this year as we typically do and looked for deals that we may or may not need and then proceeded to purchase things we may or may not need.  It's always fun to get out with my mom.  I love watching people run around, grab things off shelves, carry way too much in their arms as they try to make their way to the register, and I love that this is the mark of the beginning of the Christmas season.  I am thankful for holidays and simple traditions we keep.

7. A good friend took family pictures of us this weekend.  I don't have any of the ones she took yet but my mom snapped just a couple on my phone as we were trying desperately to get the twins to stand next to us and smile.  Poor Johnny wasn't feeling like himself but we are thankful he is almost back to normal now and we are thankful Patrice was willing to take time away from her own family to share her talent.    

This list could go on and it's actually good for me to realize that as I sit here and think about all of these things.  While my heart still hurts because I miss Charlie so much, I know now that doesn't mean that it cannot also be full of thanksgiving.

As my grandma would say, "We are so blessed and it is good for us to remember that.  That is how we should be."

Please...

All of my abilities to reason and think logically are completely thrown out the window when Macy and/or Johnny get sick.  Today was one of those days where absolutely nothing anyone could say would make my brain stop going to all of the horrible places it goes when I think my kids are sick. 

Macy woke up covered in her own throw up this morning around 7:00 a.m.; almost the exact same time I realized that Charlie was not acting like himself on July 7th.  That morning with Charlie, I waited for the doctor's office to open before I did anything.  I held him, I tried to feed him, and I swaddled him but I waited until the office opened to call and actually go in.  In my panic this morning I almost rushed Macy to the emergency room but I had to get a hold of myself and slow down.  John and I gave her a warm bath, put clean pajamas on her, and then held her on the couch.  I talked to John about taking her to the doctor and we agreed we could wait until they opened.  I trusted my husband and his instinct (since mine along with my ability to reason doesn't exist in these moments...).

When we finally got into the doctor around 10:45 I learned that Macy was fine.  She did not have strep throat or any other crazy disease (that I conjured up in my head) but a simple virus that needed to run its course.  He told me that it would go away on its own but we needed to keep her hydrated and try and have her rest as much as possible.  A trained and trusted physician was telling me that my daughter was fine.

I realize most people would walk away from that appointment (if they even went) and go about the rest of their day as normal.  For me that was not the case.  My perspective has changed.  My entire life has changed.  This wound that I have because we lost Charlie has not completely healed.  I now have this horrifying fear that something is going to happen to my two other precious perfect children.  I am barely hanging on by a thread most days and that would be too much.  If something happened to Macy or Johnny that would make this pain unbearable every single second of every single day. 

I pray that God hears my cry.  I pray that he knows I need Macy and Johnny and that I cannot relive any part of that day with Macy or Johnny.  I can't go back to that office and hear that I need to rush to the emergency room.  I can't hurry into the emergency room in a state of panic searching faces for answers.  I can't sit in the PICU or any other hospital room in Children's Hospital begging to know what is wrong.  I can't do that.  I just can't. 

Please, Lord, help this go away.  Help me overcome this fear and trust in you.      

On a Lighter Note...

Today was Halloween.  It is not a particularly significant holiday for us but it is the time of year when we do what everyone does; carve pumpkins, dress up, eat lots of candy, and spend time with our family.  This year however is different.  We live each moment realizing that part of our family is missing.
 

It is hard to live these days without Charlie.  It is impossible to find a normal in all the feelings of grief.  However, we did find a way to include Charlie this year in our Halloween festivities.  John and Macy dressed up as a UK cheerleader and a UK football player.  Johnny's jersey was adorned with a "Number 3."  It is a significant number for us because it represented Charlie, our third baby.  Even on days or holidays as silly as Halloween he is missed but we know he is also with us.  

So instead of dwelling on not having a normal Halloween this year (with our whole family out in the cold weather running from house to house), we are living in the moment.  We are here together and the twins are healthy.  They love everything about life these days.  And we are realizing we can celebrate and bring Charlie along with us as Macy and Johnny do what two year olds do!  Everything we do is all so new to them and all so "awesome" (as Johnny would say...).  We are able to look, for this instant, through the eyes of our children, so today we are smiling.  We are enjoying a little bit of cold weather and a lot of candy!

Happy Halloween everyone!   

Laughter

The twins knew Charlie.  They picked up his toys and told me who they belonged to.  They walked past his room and said his name.  They even (as I have mentioned before) said, "Shh, shh, shh, baby Charlie" when it was time to be quiet so he could "sleep" in my belly. 

They knew him but he was gone so quickly that they didn't have time to really know him.  Macy didn't have a chance to run and get a diaper to help me change him.  Johnny didn't have a chance to watch him when he made funny baby noises.  They didn't get to spend enough time with him to have any memories of him.  So it is only natural that their spirit did not fade when he was here, and then not, so quickly.  Their hearts do not hurt like ours do everyday.  Their laughter never ceased. 

I think their laughter might be the reason I could get up on July 18th.  The second worst day of my life; the day after I said goodbye to Charlie.  That is not the last day that the twins have helped me make it through a day and I am certain it is not the last.  

Today was an emotional day and when I walked in the door the twins ran to hug me and just as it always does, their laughter filled our home all evening.    They said, "momma" over and over again. They chased each other around the table.  They ate dinner with us at the table.  They smiled as their dad turned on Mickey Mouse for them to watch before bed.  They danced when they heard a song on their favorite show.  They asked us for milk (or "mock" as they call it).  They sat in their new favorite chairs.  They raced up the stairs to brush their teeth.  They begged for another book before bed.  They giggled. 

It helped today as it did before to hear them laugh.  When Johnny and I say what we are thankful for tonight their laughter will consume my thoughts.   

Splash Park

This summer has been all but "normal."  We finished school extremely late (with PD days tacked onto the end...) and I'm pregnant.  I guess to be honest those are the only two things that are really different about this summer but it seems like our worlds are about to be turned upside down and my stress level is maxed out.  With that being said, we have been making an effort to "do something" with the twins almost everyday (for our sanity as well as theirs).  This is the first summer they can really walk/run and play and are beginning to enjoy things outside so we wanted it to be memorable.  

So far we have visited Coney Island, walked around the Cincinnati Zoo more than once, swam at the Swim Club and the YMCA, enjoyed pizza at Tower Park, visited my parents in Lexington, and we ventured into Ohio for a day to go to the Splash Park at Woodland Mounds.

The Splash Park was so far our favorite activity of the summer.  It brought the most smiles, giggles, was completely free (since the twins are under two), and brought on the longest nap of the summer!  We went with my mom, sister, Kiley, and Grayson.  We arrived just before they opened around 10:30 and played on the playground next to the Splash Park.  Macy and Johnny both love slides which there were plenty of on this particular playground.  They loved it and almost didn't want to go into the Splash Park because they loved the playground so much.  However, when they heard water they followed us in and when they saw the fountains and slides inside their faces lit up!

Nothing I can really say will do justice to the memories engrained in my heart from our summer so far; so I made a quick video of our day at the Splash Park.  Here it goes!