Tomorrow it will be exactly two months since Charlie went to Heaven. I can honestly say this has been the longest two months of my entire life. How could that much time have passed without him?
Today, I feel like I am in a fog.
It is almost as if this all this happened to someone else and I am watching her.
I watch her go through the motions of every day while I see and feel the difficulty each day brings. I can see the stress each evening when she can't sleep. I can see the fake smile she puts on each morning before work. I can see her quickly make her way to the bathroom to let a few tears fall without anyone knowing. I can see the anger well up in her when she sees a parent ignore their child. I can see her cringe when she faces a new person that she hasn't seen for the first time since he passed. I can see the frustration when she just can't keep it together. I can see the sorrow when she sees a baby his age. I can see her.
There are days that I feel like I am watching through this window, but then there are days when it feels like me.
I am not watching someone else.
I am her.
I feel it even when I don't have the strength; when I don't know if I can be sad for another day. I don't want this feeling to go away. I don't want to let go of him. I can't.
I know tomorrow it won't feel like I'm in a fog. It will feel like I am in a storm. It will feel like I am in a storm that I have no control over. It will be a hard day. It will be another day that has passed without him. It will be a day that I probably won't feel like I have the strength for, but I know God will pull me through.
Tonight a friend reached out and shared this verse with me, unbeknownst to her, at the perfect moment.
1 Peter 1:6-9 "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honoe when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressable and glorious joy for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
I just have to keep praying for strength.