Tuesday, September 30, 2014

It was like the wind was knocked out of me...

This evening I received a phone call.  The phone call came right in the middle of me chasing the twins around the house trying to put their shoes on to get out the door in a hurry.  It was a number that I didn't recognize and didn't have saved in my phone so I waited to see if the person left me a voicemail.  They did but when I heard the familiar chime I was finally on my way out the door in search of new tennis shoes for the twins.  I thought to myself, "I'll listen in a bit..."

We proceeded with the evening; went to Target, found new tennis shoes, ate dinner with our normal crew at Skyline, and then came home to bathe the twins.  After baths I got everyone settled in a cozy spot on the sofa, got milk, and turned on a favorite in our house, Mickey Mouse.  It was then that I remembered the phone call and subsequent voicemail.  I sat between the two most precious people in the world and listened. 

It was like the wind was knocked out of me as soon as I heard the voice on the other end.  I recognized it immediately.  It was one of the only doctors that gave me hope that Charlie could live a normal life.  She told me almost as soon as she met me that brain damage in infants, like what we saw on Charlie's MRI, can change.  The brain as she described it is an incredible part of our body and she was confident that things could change.  I held on to that hope.  I wanted to believe her.  I wanted to trust her.  I wanted it to be true.  I couldn't stand the thought of the alternative. 

That voice was on my voicemail.  When I came back to the reality of her voice I realized I had missed a really important phone call.  She told me that she had received results about Charlie.  She apologized for leaving a voicemail and explained that I could call her back at the Neurology department at Children's Hospital.  I knew it was too late but I had to try and call her back anyway.  I called the number she left and heard a recording say the office was closed for the evening.  My plan is to call as soon as I can in the morning and ask for the neurologist. 

Tonight my mind is flooded with what ifs.  What if Macy and Johnny have the same thing?  What if I could have done something to keep this from happening to Charlie?  To be honest those are the loudest and most consuming thoughts of all the what ifs.  I want this to be over.  I want to know what it is and I want to know that Macy and John do not have it.  Why did I have to ignore that phone call?

Today one of my best friends sent me a text message.  It was something that encouraged her and she sent it to the five of us that all lived together in college (APT C as we like to call ourselves) in the hopes that it would help encourage us too.   It is truth and I needed to read it.  I am so thankful to have people in my life that encourage me and remind me of important truths.  It came from an article you can read in full on this website.   

"We don't come to Christ because of guarantees of health, wealth, or protection from physical danger.  We come to him because he is Lord.  We don't become Christians because of fringe benefits; we become Christians because Christianity is true.  We come to Christ and bow our knee knowing he loves us enough to die for us.  We come to him knowing that his plan, whatever that may be, is full of love, purpose, and wisdom.  We come to him because of the guarantees of the life to come, not the guarantees of this life." 

It is good for me to be reminded of this because I don't always feel like I understand the purpose of what happened to Charlie.  But I know God is love and I know that he is full of wisdom.  I just hate that Charlie is gone. 

As for tonight, if you read this I ask that you say a quick prayer.  Pray that the results tomorrow prove to be nothing more than something that happened to Charlie.  Pray that Macy and Johnny do not have the same thing.  Pray that I can sleep and be ready to do tomorrow regardless of what she tells me when I call.  

Thank you.   

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