I absolutely have no idea when something is going to trigger an emotion. I remember listening (through my tears while I hid in my closet) to a friend that had gone through something similar back sometime in August. She told me a little bit about how she dealt with her grief. She explained that for an entire year without knowing it she had mentally and emotionally prepared for her son's birthday that she would celebrate without him. She knew that was going to be a hard day; the day he was supposed to turn one.
I understand completely what she means now that I am little further away from July 17th. There are certain things that I know will be difficult and I prepare myself for them far in advance. I have thought a lot about what Charlie's birthday will look like. What will we do that day? How will we feel? I remember my friend saying, "Those days may prove to be a little easier than you expect them to be because you have already lived them over and over in your mind."
Other moments are exactly the opposite because they hit you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it. Last night I was bathing the twins. As many of you know life with kids is crazy sometimes, actually I would go ahead and make the statement, it's crazy all the time. You get to a place where you just go and do without even thinking. You've gotta do what you've gotta do to get through the night sometimes. Last night it was Johnny's birthday and he wanted nothing more than to go to his running group (in the freezing cold I might add) and run! So I stayed home with the twins. I cleaned up the house, gave them both baths, and got everyone ready for bed.
While we were in the bathroom they heard my raised voice probably one too many times. I had to step back and realize that I was saying, "Stop!" and "No!" more times than David heard it in the book "No, David!" I had just read in my classroom not a few days prior. If you are unfamiliar with that book this may help you better understand our evening. Macy peed on the floor and her towel after I just bathed her, Johnny thought it was funny, and then he aimed and peed on my jeans. I have nothing more to say than I was exhausted. I rinsed everyone off again, but on my own pajamas, got the twins dressed for bed, and we finished our nighttime routine with a show and a book or two. They were running around before we made our way upstairs and all the sudden as I pointed to the stairs Macy said, "Charlie go?" That is her way of saying "Where did Charlie go?" She says it all the time when one of us leaves. "Mommy go?" "Daddy go?" I am not sure she understood the weight of her question. Actually I am sure she didn't but I understood and it stunned me. It made time stand still and tears flow.
Someday I will be able to explain that to her and she will understand. Right now, we just say "heaven." "Charlie is in heaven, May."