I had worked through lunch today so that I would be ready to go for the sweet grandparents that are coming to visit us tomorrow. I was on the phone, sending emails, and finishing up readying my classroom. Before I went to pick up my students at recess I walked into the workroom to make a copy. When I walked in, I walked into a conversation about unexpected babies. I always immediately think of Charlie when this topic is brought up. We were just fine, just the four of us. However my plan didn't match up with God's and we were blessed with Charlie.
So when I interjected into the conversation with Charlie's name I no more said his name than I wanted to take it back. Not for me of course, I was just fine. Saying his name is just like saying Macy or Johnny for me. But for some reason I always worry about how people will react when I talk about Charlie. I don't want to be the downer in the room. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want them to not know what to say. Inevitably it always seems to bring down the room. So I wish I could take it back today. I wish saying my son's name didn't have the effect it does but I guess it comes with the territory.
How I long for June 30th. Or even July 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th...I want that familiar terrain back.