Sunday, July 16, 2017

July 16, 2017

July 16, 2014

We knew Charlie wasn't going to live much longer.  They hadn't told us just yet but deep down we all knew.  It was a mother's instinct, I guess.  Or maybe it was the way the doctors and nurses looked at us, or didn't look at us rather.  I am willing to say this day is just as painful as the 17th; the day Charlie went to heaven.  We had to live through so many emotions we had never felt before.  We had to keep moving forward knowing our child would not get his miracle this side of heaven.  We had to fall asleep in a chair in his hospital room so that the next day, with as much courage and faith as we could muster, we could hold Charlie while he took his last breath late in the evening.  July 16, 2014 was one of the worst days of my life.  Even as awful as it was, I want to go back.  I want that last evening back with him.  I don't think I would do anything differently, since much of it I don't even remember, but I would cherish it more now.  I would hold those moments so close to my heart.  I would breathe him in and hold him close.

July 16, 2017

You would think three years would make the pain hurt less.  It doesn't work that way.  In fact, I think this has been the hardest year yet.  The first year I was in shock.  I can look back at the entire year and recognize that I was not fully present.  The second year I was trying to not feel "stuck in grief."  I made myself feel a certain way or do a certain thing.  And then this year, I can't help but just fall apart.  I have had headaches.  I have struggled to want to get out of bed.  I have believed lies Satan tells me about it all.  And I have finished MANY projects.  I have gone new places.  The two latter in an effort to figure out how to face this day and tomorrow as well.  How do you keep on going?  How do you celebrate your child being in heaven?  And then in the same breathe I would say how can you not celebrate your child being in heaven?!

So it's July 16th.  Here I am, laying in bed with a headache feeling like I would like a third ice cream cone for the day.  Instead, I will probably close my computer and fall asleep praying for peace and hope and love and grace to fill my heart and soul.


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