Forest Avenue

There is one particular spot where I walk and run in town that brings back floods of memories.  The memories that come back are really hard ones.  At one point in my grief journey I remember sitting down at this exact place because I couldn't will myself to run any further and my tears blurred my vision so much I couldn't see the next step in front of me.  It was a really hard evening.  It was late and dark so I remember thinking (or maybe hoping) no one would see me swallowed up in my grief basically laying on the ground in the middle of town.  It was too much that day.  It was too much everyday but at that particular instant my body stopped and I had to succumb.

There are times still that when I see this place; the street sign ahead, the church in the background, the rows of cars neatly parked in their spots, and the beautiful homes to my left and right that I still can't take it.  My entire being feels like it could just stop.  That same emotion, the emotion I felt that day, comes back and courses through my veins and stretches its reach all the way to my heart.

Just the other day I felt it.  I felt all of the things I didn't want to feel and all of the things I so longed to feel all at the same time.  I stopped for a brief minute.  The pain was no different.  The emotion was no different.  The time that had passed was different.  The time that separates Charlie and I is different.  Instead of falling to the ground, God gave me a peace that passes all understanding.  And let me be clear that didn't happen until now.  I haven't had this encounter with peace in this place for four years.  But I can stand there now, in that spot, and instead of crumbling to the ground I can look around, take a deep breath, and know that Jesus is walking with me and I need only to lean on Him when its too much.  I can remind myself that I am taking care of my heart, mind, soul, and body as I walk or run through town.

I prayed for him to carry me home that afternoon and He did.

I will continue to trust that I am not alone.