Happy 4th Birthday Eve

On Charlie's birthday I always think about his age.  I always recognize the fact that he would be a year older but I can't seem to picture him as anything but a baby.  "Forever 17 days old," they say.  He never really grew up in my mind as we continued to live through his birthday each year, but this year for some reason the weight of his impending fourth birthday is making me flash forward to what could have been; to what should have been.  He would have grown up.  He would have been four tomorrow.

I have daydreamed all the things he would have loved and I think I am spot on, if I do say so myself.

He would be begging to go to the pool and he would want to keep up with his brother and sister from the moment they threw their towels on the chairs.  His skin would be a light brown color just like Johnny and his blonde hair would stick out like a sore thumb.  He would be wearing all of his brother's hand me down swim trunks and loving the idea that he could be just like him.  His sister would try and be a little mom to him.  She would be bossy, but loving and always want to help him with his sunscreen.

Baseball for him would actually be T-Ball.  He would have his white baseball pants, a blue jersey, and a baseball glove because his brother says he needs one.  He would get his pants dirty when he falls into home plate and when he grabs the ball with his uncovered left hand.  He would smile at me so proud of his stains and I would of course smile back happy to make them white again once we got home.  His brother and sister would cheer so loudly.  They would make him signs and share in his love of the game.

His room would be just down the hall.  I think he may have had more grey and green rather than our typical navy blue boy room.  I'm sure however, he would love the all boy toys like trains, cars, legos, and sports of all kinds.  But I also think he would enjoy spending time with his sister.  She would help him with crafts, read him books, and teach him how to take care of her babies.  His compassion would be evident as he grew up with two very different but loving siblings.

He would be a good sleeper.  However, every once in awhile he would wake up and want to snuggle with his momma.  He would sneak down the hall and crawl into bed with me.  I would smell him and rub his eyes and arms as he fell back asleep next to me.  His body would be like a heavy weight next to me but I would be able to feel him breathing.  His chest would rise and fall and he would stay in this spot for the rest of the night into the early morning.

I think of all the things I long to see it is just that.  I long to see his chest rise and fall.  I want him to crawl into bed with me on his fourth birthday eve and snuggle.

My prayer tonight is that I have a dream.  A dream with just one of these sweet moments with my Charlie, a moment I can sit in soak up.  I want to see him and watch his four year old self smile.

Happy birthday eve Charlie boy.  You are loved and missed and never forgotten.