I was thinking about some of the posts I have written and each time I sit down to write I realize I am in a pretty good place. I have come through a difficult time or a rough part of the path in this journey and I have written down what I learned after the hard part has passed. I want you to know that in full disclosure right now it's not easy and I'm not perfect.
I cried in the middle of the floor at the hospital. I told one of the neurologists that I hated him and I didn't want him to come back in our room anymore. I didn't talk to people or answer my phone when people called 99% of the time for over a month (and even still now sometimes). I have cried more tears than I even knew was possible to cry. I asked God why he couldn't have chosen someone else. I dwell on the negative and what I don't have now that Charlie is gone. I probably said one or more choice words throughout our time in the hospital. I am still angry. I still get frustrated about it. I don't always think about what is best for other people. I don't want to have fun. I don't want to laugh. I don't really want to move on. It sucks. There are no words to describe the pain and I would trade anything right now to hold Charlie again or rewind time.
I just wanted to write this so that there is no misconception about the emotion that I feel (when I'm normally not writing) and I know Johnny feels everyday. It's suffocating, it makes my stomach hurt, and I didn't want to leave that out of this journal. I don't want you to think that just because I'm walking by faith that means I don't feel this pain. God doesn't promise life on earth with no pain. I know that and I am going to be ok with it, just not all the time.