I have caught myself several times since we lost Charlie saying to Macy and Johnny, "What would we do without you..." or "I can't imagine life without you." It's true. I can't imagine it.
However, in the same breath, now instead of imagining it, I am living it. Not with Macy or Johnny of course, but with Charlie. I am living my life with my husband and two kids and not Charlie. It is the most difficult reality I face in this entire world.
What if the people I love the most in the world leave to go to heaven a little sooner than I do? What if I have to do life without them?
My family does.
This thought, of living life without Charlie, consumes me most of the time. I think about going through a normal day and I just plain do not want to do it sometimes. I can't wrap my brain around him being gone. Parts of me I think are still in shock. As I meet this reality over and over again, small pieces of me mourn the loss of my third baby, Charlie. It hits me when I least expect it.
Most days I feel as though moving on and doing normal things will make Charlie be more gone, if that makes sense. The further away this gets the more real is becomes and the more sad I feel. I don't want to not be upset because then I am admitting that I no longer have my third child to hold in my arms. I don't want to be happy because then I am admitting that it's ok, and it is NOT ok. I don't want the cards to stop overflowing from our mailbox because then people will forget him, and I can't bear the thought.
Whoever is reading this right now, I hope you never face the reality I am facing. I pray that your children never leave this earth before you do. However, if they do leave you first, my prayer is that you will open your heart and let God fill those empty places with a little bit of light. The hope and light I have in Jesus helps me know that no matter how sad, angry, guilty, or crazy I feel I will get through the day because of Him.
With that being said, I will forever have a spot in my heart that is vacant because Charlie is not here with me learning how to hold his head up or learning how to smile at me or learning his alphabet or learning how to ride his bike with his brother and sister or buying school supplies for his kindergarten year at Woodfill...I could go on, but those thoughts may not end and that hole may never be filled with anything, of course, except for Jesus.
I will forever keep that spot in my heart for me, Charlie, and Jesus.