Sadness

Do you know what the hard part of all of this is?

It's knowing that this, this sadness, will not ever go away. 

It's strange because before Charlie died I never knew a pain that refused to go away.  Of course, I experienced pain and I didn't have a perfect life.  But now after all of this, looking at my life before we lost Charlie, I do think perfection.  We were all together and we were all happy.  On earth, that is perfection, or as close as we can get.   

Occasionally John and I have the normal married people disagreements.  They may at the time seem overwhelming or frustrating, sometimes painful, but I know we will always talk through our differences and become stronger by the end of each silly fight. 

John and  I unfortunately had to watch Macy and Johnny live through several weeks in the Special Care Unit at Christ Hospital.  It was hard, it was painful, and it stretched us, but we knew they were going to be fine and we would take them home.

I have lost three grandparents throughout my life and while those days were hard and so painful, I knew it was part of how life was supposed to be.  I was glad to know they were in heaven and we would cherish the memories we had of them. 

All of those emotions apply with Charlie, however, this time it's not ok.  This time we may eventually be stronger but the hurt will not subside.  This time people say we will eventually be "fine" but we will not ever take him home from the hospital.  This time we know Charlie is in heaven and we cherish the memories we had with him but losing Charlie is not how life is supposed to be. 

This sadness is permanent.  At least on earth this sadness for us is permanent.  It may not always be so intense and some days we will cope better than others but it is permanent.  It has forever changed us and it will never go away.