Very wise people tell me that I don't need to worry myself with "should" or "shouldn't" because those words are judgmental and impossible to live up to.
I get it.
I hear that.
But even when I don't say it out loud I still think to myself, is it ok? Should I do this? Should I go there? I probably shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't feel this way.
This past week I laughed really hard. In the midst of one of the hardest weeks since Charlie has been gone I laughed really hard. It was one of those laughs that makes your heart smile. It makes you happy all over. For just a brief second I felt genuinely happy. Of course, I didn't forget about Charlie, I just let myself feel something that I haven't felt in a long time, over three months to be exact.
I think it scared me.
I know that I will never as long as I live forget my Charlie. I couldn't. Instead that fear that crept up on me was coming from a place that reminds me that if I smile today, that means he is getting further away. It means I am learning how to cope. It means that this really did happen and he really isn't here to rock in his nursery (this miserable empty room where I now write) and I have to go on.
Here is the story. And I am not sure if it was actually really as funny as I thought it was but I was glad that I could find joy for a moment even if y'all think I should or shouldn't have...
Little Johnny was sitting at the table and accidentally got yogurt on his elbow. He immediately said, "Uh-oh!" and then looked at me for help. I told him we would get it in a minute and I got up to get a dish cloth. That is when it started. His concerned look turned into determination to get the yogurt off by licking his arm. He tried for several minutes before I ran for my phone to record it. His face was precious. He was completely dedicated to the cause. It made me happy. His face was what I needed to help me smile that day.
Our whole family stopped for a brief minute and all of us laughed at the dinner table. We all enjoyed a moment together that was not scarred with pain. We all needed to do that. Laughter hasn't filled our dining room like that for so long. It was a gift today from God that would not have come without Macy and Johnny. It would absolutely not have come without the precious gift of my children.
I'm thankful for that today. And you know what, I don't think I care if anyone thinks I "should" or "shouldn't" have done that or felt that way. I just did.