The twin's Aunt Alicia gave them Wubba Nubs (pacifiers with animals on the end) when they were in the hospital. They loved them and I loved them. I mainly loved them because watching Macy and Johnny grab onto their Wubba Nubs are some of the most fun memories I have of them "finding" things in front of their faces and learning how to grab onto them. Macy especially loved hers. I think Charlie would have liked to have one too.
Today I was at Kroger grabbing a few things for dinner. I decided to walk through the baby aisle. I am not really sure why but I was by myself and I just wanted to. So I walked down the aisle slowly and looked longingly at all the things I should be buying. I literally froze when I saw the Wubba Nubs. I stood in front of them and picked up the one I wanted to buy for Charlie. I looked at it. I held onto it. I couldn't put it back down. I almost took it up to buy but I knew I didn't have anyone to give it to. I stood in that stupid aisle in the grocery and tears started falling. I snapped out of it a little and looked around, hoping I wouldn't see anyone that I knew. I called my sister and she helped me realize I needed to go ahead and go home. I set down the little brown monkey Wubba Nub that I wanted Charlie to have. I let out a really long painful sigh and composed myself enough to check out of Kroger with my things.
Life on this earth is hard. That moment was hard and while I am learning that moments like that are not moments of weakness rather moments full of emotion I still think it's hard. I miss Charlie and every single thing that reminds me of him makes my heart hurt. Most things remind me of him. Most things remind me that I lost my 17 day old baby boy.
In my world sometimes ice cream sounds good when my days are not so happy. I am not sure when that started but it's what everyone recommends when they see weakness, frustration, sadness, loneliness, or any other negative emotion well up inside of me. So I walked down the aisle and picked up Ben and Jerry's Candy Bar Pie ice cream (don't buy it because then I'll feel guilty that you ate the whole pint, because you will). I'm writing and eating tonight. I won't be surprised if it's all gone when I finish.