All of my abilities to reason and think logically are completely thrown out the window when Macy and/or Johnny get sick. Today was one of those days where absolutely nothing anyone could say would make my brain stop going to all of the horrible places it goes when I think my kids are sick.
Macy woke up covered in her own throw up this morning around 7:00 a.m.; almost the exact same time I realized that Charlie was not acting like himself on July 7th. That morning with Charlie, I waited for the doctor's office to open before I did anything. I held him, I tried to feed him, and I swaddled him but I waited until the office opened to call and actually go in. In my panic this morning I almost rushed Macy to the emergency room but I had to get a hold of myself and slow down. John and I gave her a warm bath, put clean pajamas on her, and then held her on the couch. I talked to John about taking her to the doctor and we agreed we could wait until they opened. I trusted my husband and his instinct (since mine along with my ability to reason doesn't exist in these moments...).
When we finally got into the doctor around 10:45 I learned that Macy was fine. She did not have strep throat or any other crazy disease (that I conjured up in my head) but a simple virus that needed to run its course. He told me that it would go away on its own but we needed to keep her hydrated and try and have her rest as much as possible. A trained and trusted physician was telling me that my daughter was fine.
I realize most people would walk away from that appointment (if they even went) and go about the rest of their day as normal. For me that was not the case. My perspective has changed. My entire life has changed. This wound that I have because we lost Charlie has not completely healed. I now have this horrifying fear that something is going to happen to my two other precious perfect children. I am barely hanging on by a thread most days and that would be too much. If something happened to Macy or Johnny that would make this pain unbearable every single second of every single day.
I pray that God hears my cry. I pray that he knows I need Macy and Johnny and that I cannot relive any part of that day with Macy or Johnny. I can't go back to that office and hear that I need to rush to the emergency room. I can't hurry into the emergency room in a state of panic searching faces for answers. I can't sit in the PICU or any other hospital room in Children's Hospital begging to know what is wrong. I can't do that. I just can't.
Please, Lord, help this go away. Help me overcome this fear and trust in you.