Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve and all I can think about is how I will never get to hear Charlie squeal when he sees what Santa brought on Christmas morning.  I was just laying in bed after having prepared everything for Santa's arrival and I can't get that thought out of my head.

I have heard Macy and Johnny laugh, talk, and literally squeal when they see presents appear under the tree (as I wrap them) and when they talk about what they want Santa to bring them.  I know tomorrow morning will bring so much more of those precious sounds.  I will absolutely cherish this day so much more than I ever have before.  I will cherish every smile that graces their sweet faces, every "Thank you mommy!" that comes from their lips, and every single picture that I take that will allow me to relive those memories.

The Christmas season is hard, but I am not sure anyone can really understand how hard.  And while we are beginning to form traditions to intentionally include Charlie this year and in years to come, not having him in my arms is so desperately hard.  I have no words for what this empty feeling on the most joyous day of the year feels like.  

Tomorrow I am sure the chaos that comes with two year olds on Christmas morning will consume most of the parts of my mind but Charlie will permeate every single other thought and place in my mind and my heart.  He will always hold a special place and I miss him so much it hurts!

Tonight as I go back to bed and try to sleep I will pray intensely for those families that are experiencing these same feelings.  I will also keep those families currently in the hospital, specifically the PICU, in my prayers as well.  I can only imagine the heartache being in the hospital brings on such a special day.

These pictures from our Christmas Eve brought smiles.  Anything that brings smiles is worthy of sharing.

Ronald McDonald House Delivery

Santa (...as we planned)

Waving from the Train

"Mommy, I love trains!"