It's a new year. We all feel like we have a fresh start. And in some ways that's refreshing. In so many other ways it is miserable this year. I don't want a new year. I don't want a new start. I want June 30th, 2014 back.
This season full of holidays and Santa and laughing, happy people has brought many many new emotions. I hate that Charlie is not sharing in the festivities with us. I hate that this season has almost come and gone and he was not ever here to celebrate Jesus' birthday with us. It feels wrong that we had to light a candle in his memory. It feels wrong that everyone gave and received gifts except for him. It feels so wrong that our family Christmas card was missing someone.
Then I think about the kind of party he is having in heaven and I just hope he's thinking, "I wish my mom, dad, and brother and sister were here. They don't know what they're missing!" Seriously, I think about how much better Christmas would be in heaven. It's the only thing that gets me through these sad days.
I'm not sure if it was the new year that prompted this or if the timing was just finally right, but this afternoon began a massive purge in our house. I have held onto everything of Charlie's (and the twins that I thought Charlie would use) since he passed away. It is crowding our basement and our closets and today was the day that I finally said, "I have to let it go." Not because I don't want to see it or be reminded of him but because I need this fresh start. I need to let some of this baggage go that is making me so sad. I am trying hard not to be sad as I give it to family and friends. I keep telling myself they are just things. They are baby clothes and silly toys and things that in the grand scheme matter not at all. But they are Charlie's things. They are some of the only physical things I have left that are "his." It feels like it is the only way I can be close to him. But I have to let go. I have to know that those things do not make me closer to him. The memories that I have of him are still so close to my heart and those will never leave me.
I hope if you read this you don't think I just sit in my house and cry all day. It seems like when I write I need to get something heavy off my heart. Today and most days the things I need to say or things that I want to say out loud are hard things to hold onto. It is hard and exhausting to be sad. It is hard to keep it all inside. So whoever reads this (if anyone still does) just know that this is my heart, and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I need to share it with you.