Thursday, January 15, 2015

A Two Year Old Mindset

Why would we ever doubt the creator of the universe?

Why is it that we feel like we can make it on our own without his help?

Why would we try and hide from the one that is actually carrying us through our trials?

I sometimes need to ask myself questions like this so I realize how silly it sounds to doubt my God (or his purpose for things in my life).  It is silly to think that I would ignore the one almighty one in my life that can bring me peace and help me when I struggle.  And really, how can you run from someone that is holding you?!

I personally do not doubt my creator and I try not to run away from him because I know if I did I would literally drown in my sorrow and grief.  But as of late I have questioned why Charlie had to be taken from our lives so quickly.  I cry when I listen to the song I mentioned in my last post and it says, "You call me out into the water..."  I didn't want to go into that stupid water, into that ocean, wherever I feel like I'm drowning; I would have avoided it forever.  Then the very next line says, "And there I find you in the mystery..."  I get it, even if I don't want to.  God called me there. The intimacy we share now because I have had to hide in his embrace is drastically different than before I met Charlie.  But I wonder what difference would it have made it we had one more week with Charlie?  Why couldn't I have seen him smile?  What difference would it make if I had been able to feed him one more time?  These questions that haunt me makes the part in the song about the ocean so real.  It is never ending and so deep and I'm in the middle of it, still trying to swim to the shore.  
My daughter is two.  She is very much two and all that comes with that.  When I think about how I sometimes act with my heavenly Father I am reminded of her behavior.  My sweet, beautiful, bold, and independent two year old daughter is the kind of girl that wants to figure things out on her own.  She does not like to be told what to do or how to do it.  Did I mention she is independent?!  She has the sweetest, most gentle spirit when she is helping or showing someone else (mainly her brother) how to do something.  But wait for it, because when you tell her how to do something or try to help her do something she wants nothing to do with you.  And when she gets hurt, she pushes us away.  She wants to be alone.

I ask myself all the time, "Why does she do that?"

Why would she not trust me?  Why would she not want her dad to check and make sure she's not really hurt.  We know what is best for her and we know that we can comfort her and calm her down.  She just doesn't let us sometimes.

I guess when I look back on this journey I realize there are times when I asked God why and he answered, but I didn't listen.  I also realize that sometimes I fight him and kick and scream when really I should let him hold me.  Why in the world would I not let him comfort me?  Why am I acting like a two year old that doesn't understand.  I do understand.   

So today with these thoughts in my mind, I am letting Him help me.  I am crying to my husband.  I am letting my friends in today.  I am talking about Charlie and crying because I miss him and I can't hold him.  I am sad but I am rejoicing still that Charlie is in heaven.     

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