Burn the Boats

(I thought for a time about what to title this post.  I had no idea what to call this because it is a post that I wrote without an eraser (or backspace button).  It may or may not make sense when you read but it is an important part of my heart and I needed to write it down.  I'm not even sure I really want anyone to know that I feel like this sometimes.  I am still considering erasing the whole thing even as I type this because it is raw and I don't want anyone to confuse this frustration and anger for frustration or anger towards God.  I am angry and frustrated at my inability to grasp our great God and his divine plan.  I am angry and frustrated at how broken our world really is as I now have a completely different perspective.)

God, I want to know why you didn't help Charlie.  Why, if I am yours (and I am) would you not take away that genetic abnormality from him?  How come when I asked something in your name it did not happen?  Why wasn't he healed?  Why didn't all the prayers others prayed for Charlie help? Why didn't you want those doctors at Children's, who probably laughed at me when they left our room after I told them they would witness a miracle, to see a miracle?!  Why?!  Why did you feed thousands but not heal Charlie?  Why did you heal the woman who bled for years with a simple brush of your tassel but not heal Charlie?

I sat in church tonight and the words that were spoken washed over me and wrecked me.  Brian shared the story of a family at Crossroads that are pregnant.  They were told that their baby has Trisomy 18, a condition that is caused by an error in cell division, that typically ends the baby's life. In an email they wrote Brian they said this storm has changed them and they feel like they are learning how to be brave through it.  I know though, as I sat in church tonight, they have to be brave to face this, but they are also broken.  I am realizing these two things come hand in hand.  We choose bravery and that inevitably means you face storms.  I would even go as far as saying the questions that will fill their minds are going to be another storm.  It was a storm I was unprepared for and still haunts me.  And while they may not expose their hearts online or even expose this part of their heart to one another as husband and wife the questions will exist.

When your brave the storms come and they don't always end quickly or with a rainbow at the end of them.  Sometimes they linger and sometimes water soaks up into the earth and seeps into our homes just like the hurt and anger and depression seeps into our hearts and causes damage that may not be seen by anyone else but hurts still the same.      

Brian continued and spoke about finding our identity.  Finding our identity in Jesus is necessary when the world lies to us.  Instead of living all the lies of the world, we have to know we are sons and daughters of Jesus.  I am.  I just still want to know why the God of the universe would let Satan take away my baby.  Why the pain and suffering of the world has to win.  My mind really knows the answer but my heart hates the reality.  And now as I look at what is next in my life and where I think God is calling me I think it seems impossible or maybe just bad timing.  I am being given another opportunity for bravery, only this time I can choose.  Will I be brave?  Will I jump in and trust God again?  Do I really want to face more storms?  Can't I just sail on calm waters God for just a bit?

We were given a paper boat at the start of the service this week and we were told to write down our storm or what is keeping us from understanding that our identity should be found in our Savior and/or what is keeping us from being brave.  I wrote many things but the one that stands out the most as I contemplate possibly being brave and writing a book is, "Your story has no value and doesn't need to be told.  No one will read it."       

We were reminded of the story and song a week or two ago we heard about Cortes and the words he spoke to his men.  As he ventured out to conquer Mexico, he rallied his troops and said three simple words.

"Burn the ships."

This initiative ensured that they had no way to turn around and retreat.   With no other options his men fought because their lives were at stake.  They won.  They faced the storm. Their journey was a journey of great risk.

All the hard journeys we take in Jesus name are journeys of risk.  If it was easy we wouldn't have to be brave. We wouldn't have to rely on Him to get us through.  We would be left to our own devices and as I struggle to make it through this year with my Savior I realize I wouldn't make it through without him.  So, I am trying to muster up the courage to burn my boat and all the lies that are within that boat.  I want to give up the things that keep me from calling myself a daughter of the Highest King.  Where I am going I have roads to pave and I need to trust and burn my boat so that fear doesn't keep me from turning around or doing all that I can to serve my King.  

Here it goes...