Cemeteries used to be a place I didn't want to visit. I suppose it may have been because it was really quiet there, almost too quiet. Or maybe it was because the only time I have ever gone I was too little to really miss the person we were visiting.
I wish I could say that the latter were still true. It's not. I miss Charlie and I finally understand the desire a person has to go to a cemetery.
The cemetery has become a normal stop on my long runs and instead of creeping me out, the silence is kind of special. It's like time for just Charlie and I to be together, after all we had so much time before his birthday on June 30th to spend just the two of us, and I'm realizing I need that again.
I go and sit Indian style in front of his headstone and talk to him like he is there. It seems less awkward when I am sitting with him talking to him. It would be a little more difficult to explain if I just struck up a conversation with him in my classroom at school. Here I am free to cry tears. I can remember the Fourth of July. I can recall memories that are happy instead of sad when we talk. I can see his sweet face and dream about the blonde hair he would have had.
So I am posting all this to say; I get it. And if I haven't always extended grace to those needing to visit a loved one before I know now I will. I understand your desire to be as close to your loved one as you can. I understand your need for silence because it helps you hear their voice or it allows you to finish a conversation. I understand that healing takes place there where you can cry without shame. I understand that maybe you can't talk because too many tears would fall too quickly and may possibly not stop. I understand that while our loved ones are not really there, for us here on earth, that is the closest some of us can get to our Charlie this side of heaven.
Now Charlie, in case I haven't told you enough, we thank God for you each night when we pray with the twins. They include you in their prayers right alongside Lolli, Pop, Gigi and Poppy (and you should know that is absolutely a compliment!). We love you sweet boy and we wish so badly we were celebrating your 9 month birthday today with pictures and something sweet of course! John and Macy would have absolutely loved that.