Right about now most moms would be fretting over the tiny unimportant details of a first birthday. Who is picking up the cake? Are we going to have enough food? Should we set out more things for the kids to do in the yard? Is it going to rain? Do you think the decorations are enough? Should we get him just one more gift? We all do it. We plan and prioritize this extravagant birthday party for our one year old children.
When you think about it not one birthday boy or girl will ever remember their first birthday. I guess that is why we take lots of pictures (or enlist a friend to take lots of pictures). I am realizing now that the twins are older and we have frequented more first birthdays, how truly little (and unaware) they were at their own first birthday party. They had had nothing but milk (and formula) and a little bit of dried up whatever in the form of a puff before that day and we gave them their own cake! We had special decorations. All the food and drinks were labeled. I blew up a picture the size of our windows for each of the twins. I can't even believe I had that much time on my hands.
Okay, I'll stop because the reality is I loved every second of it. I loved making the party their own and having special outfits for them to wear. I think maybe this sudden disappointment with first birthdays is due to the fact that we don't get to plan another one. While Charlie's birthday I am sure is beyond spectacular on the streets of gold in heaven this momma misses that special privilege of making my baby feel special on the day they were born, the day they were given life.
This week it's been eerily quiet. Of course we have been making decisions at the new house that need to be made and the twins always know how to keep us busy; but we aren't planning a party. That will forever make my heart hurt. Birthdays are the special day each year that I get to point out how valuable and precious their life is in our eyes and in the eyes of the Lord. He made them and picked out their birthday long before we knew them. He designed that day and their story. Birthdays are some of my favorite days of the year and now this reminder that Charlie was born but isn't here has stripped me of the joy that I find in his birthday.
I just wish I could catch a glimpse of the party in heaven. I know that would ease this pain a little.