Sunday, October 18, 2015

Today I'm Not Okay

Today I am not okay.  I want to quit.  Distractions don't help and I really wish they would.     

This week while it was normal it was not at all normal.  Social media was blown up with posts about infant loss and awareness.  I joined in I think because I thought it would make other people feel better, not me.   Crossroads shared yet another story of a family that was wrecked with a less than perfect pregnancy and the birth of their twins; one of which was not able to grow in the womb.  I never heard the end because I completely tuned it all out once I knew where the story was headed.  It's like anytime someone says "tragedy" I know what is going to follow.  Yesterday was the 17th and I'm tired of those days coming and going.  I had to act like my heart didn't hurt when in reality it was falling out of my chest and the absolute smallest thing could have sent me over the edge.

Today I am not okay with the fact that I have to hold Charlie's lovie and not him.  I want to quit everything, literally everything, because it all feels too heavy.  Distractions don't help even when people try really hard.  My tears are stinging my eyes and all I can think is I want to go back. I'm praying for heaven tonight.  Just come Jesus.

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