#12 Write Your Grief: In Order For Me To Go Looking for Pain...

In order to go looking for that pain, in order to feel it directly and with love, what would it take? What would need to happen in order for you to feel safe or strong enough to soften into your pain? Time? Privacy? Wine? An anchor on the other side? A guarantee of outcome?


In order for me to go looking for pain I would need to be with others.  The only problem is that I am not able to do that yet.  I am unable to expose anyone else to this pain unless it happens on accident.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to know that the unbearable would become more bearable.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to know that my husband is going to respond with sensitivity and compassion.  I would have to know that we would be good once we went after this pain together.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to know that a small part of who I was would come back.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to be alone.  I would have to be able to talk with God alone and open my heart completely without fear of hurting someone.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to be guaranteed that I could breathe during it and after it.  I don't know that I believe that because it takes my breathe away even when I am not trying to seek after it.

In order for me to go looking for pain I would have to have other's grace but not intrusion.

I am not sure I will ever go looking for pain.  It comes without warning so often that I just can't bear the thought of actually looking for it and seeking it out.  I don't want it.  I want to be free of it.