If you could tell people something, tell them what is true, what is right, what is true about grief and love and loss, something they do not know, or can't know, what would it be? If you could address them, what would be said?
What you don't know is I can't bear this pain alone. Now that I have walked so much of it (seemingly) alone I need you. I need someone that will let me fall apart and not expect or want to be able to fix me. I need you to want to help me carry this.
What you don't know is that at the very same time I am trying to protect you from this hurt. When I hide my pain behind a mask of "I'm good" every. single. day. I'm actually saying don't get too close, this might be contagious. I couldn't bear to know your heart has to feel this pain. I know that is ridiculous but it feels like it (whatever "it" is) is leaking out of my body and changing all the people around me too.
What you don't know is that I think that if you see the deepest place in my heart (the place only God has seen) you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. You wouldn't want to have to face me each day, you would rather avoid me. You would know when I walked a certain hallway and you would purposefully go the other way to avoid the pain.
What you don't know is that it makes me think different things are worthy of my time. I have let go of certain things that I no longer want to define me and while it feels good it is also scary because this is not who I have been for 29 years.
What you don't know is I feel like I can't truly be honest with anyone. Even when I post the most scary and troubling moments and memories on the blog or say things out loud to my family and friends, no one will ever know when something triggers a memory that is too much to bear, no one will ever know what my insides look like because they can't understand.
What you don't know is that I want to keep this from happening to anyone else because this makes life too hard. It makes life feel unfair. It makes life sad. It makes me feel like I can never be normal again. I want my old happy self back, but I do not want to ever ever forget the memories or time I had with Charlie. I would not trade that for anything.
What you may not know is that I long for heaven like I never have before.