Who was the person you used to be?
I think about this question and so many things come to mind. I used to be completely blind to pain. I used to genuinely believe "that won't happen to me..." I used to think the most devastatingly hard thing I endured in my life was spending a few weeks in the NICU. Don't get me wrong, that was trying and so scary for a new mom but when I look back there was not a moment where I ever felt like the twins were not going to be just fine. With Charlie that was different. I knew from the moment they took him from my arms in the emergency room that he wasn't going to be fine. I knew something was wrong and that moment is when everything in me changed.
When I look back on who I used to be I see this person that I want to hang out with. I wasn't an overly social person, just someone that enjoyed my family and dear friends. I was able to completely feel joy in just about any circumstance in my life and I laughed out loud (a lot).
Another part of me that feels so far away is my ability to pray with reckless abandon. When I used to pray for people I believed in the miracle. I knew God heard me and I thought my words mattered. I would hold nothing in my heart back. I praised him, I worshiped him, and I asked for bold requests in His name that I believed were the desires of my heart. I asked expecting an answer.
I used to be someone that went out of my way to encourage. I never forgot a birthday. I served other people and put their needs first 100% of the time. I remembered dates and small things in conversations with people that I knew would make them feel special if I remembered them later. I bought gifts and wrote cards and genuinely meant every single kind word that I spoke.
Who was the person I used to be?
Even as I write all of these things it is hard for me to not want to delete every word. I used to be all of those things but that was before I was Charlie's momma. I would love for those pieces of me to come back, but not if that means I don't get to meet Charlie. I would give anything to see that boy's face again or kiss his chubby hands again or even rub his fuzzy head. I would leave it all behind if that meant I could still meet him and hold him; even if it is for only 17 days.
I am not the same person I used to be and while I wrote about all the things I miss, I'm not sure that it is all bad. I think in the midst of the heart ache and grief I have learned a lot about my God and a lot about myself. I have deepened my relationship with my Savior and I have learned to trust that my hope is in heaven.