Tuesday, December 1, 2015

#16 Write Your Grief: Condition of my Heart

What is the condition of your heart?  
As you begin to feel or find an image, write. Describe what you see.  Spend some real time with it. If it's an image, describe it.  If it's a sense, tell us how it feels. Don't rush. Really show us.

My heart is hurt; on the verge of never recovering.  The only image that I can come up with is an emergency room.  Actually the exact place is a room in the emergency department at Children's Hospital that then turns into a quiet room in the ICU where things may never get better but at least for certain moments things are stable. 

At first, I see a blurry blob of doctors and nurses standing over me.  There are blinding lights shining in my eyes.  I'm overwhelmed with the anxiety of what is happening.  The noises are deafening.  They block everything the people are saying out so that all you can hear is the beeping.  I am poked and prodded and eventually something is shoved down my throat with no warning to help me breathe.  I calm down only because I was given medication to keep me still and cooperative.  I go from upset and unable to breathe to feeling some relief.  The only problem is that what is lurking in the background is far more difficult to resolve than anyone knows.  Right now I can breathe, but soon they will see that they can't help me; breathing is not enough.  They will know that nothing will change the circumstances.

There are only a couple of doctors and nurses left making sure I am stable.  They walk me quietly up to the ICU.  I feel every bump or crack in the floor as I roll through the hospital.  I'm cold and now I'm hot.  I'm not sure how I feel or what my heart needs.  It seems like everything has changed.  I go from an emergency; a life or death situation, to calm.  I'm doing fine at the moment and with the lights dimmed I fall asleep.  This is the only time I don't feel the pain.

I wake up to a nurse shining a light in my eyes as she prys open my eyelids.  Something isn't right.  I know that but I have no idea what to do next.  I keep my eyes closed.  I am in an out of consciousness.  I'm having seizures.  They place something on my head, my heart, my body and my neck to ensure that it is in fact a seizure or seizures.

I can't go on with this description of the condition of my heart.  There are so many parallels.  I feel like I want to take all this pain and all these horrible things away from Charlie that's why I am stuck here.  I want this to be the condition of my heart because I don't want it to be Charlie's story.  The picture at the beginning of the post is not of Charlie or his room or really where I feel like my heart lives.  I just found one online because for some reason I couldn't make myself look at those pictures tonight.  I'm there in that hospital room, able to live and breathe sometimes on my own and others times not so much.  I'm alive just still in the hospital and the wreckage so to speak.      

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