Sometimes, if we shift our gaze, change our perspective, we can see ourselves as love sees, see ourselves as they see us. Somehow, it changes things. If even just for a moment, can you see yourself through their eyes?
I'm not sure anyone else in my life thinks of me the way my kids do. They have this faith in me that if damaged by my human nature and mistakes it's restored within minutes. I guess if I thought about how Charlie would feel about me now, or even Macy or Johnny, I would love myself differently. If I could change my perspective for just a minute I would give myself a lot more grace. If I could shift my gaze from my constant mistakes to something better or more meaningful I would be a lot more likely to live life to the fullest.
If Charlie were still here he would be 1 year, 5 months, 1 week, and 4 days old. I would be his place of refuge when he couldn't sleep. I would be the one he called on when he was hungry. And I would be the voice he was drawn to when he needed a familiar face. If he were here I would be more needed. If he were here my purpose would be greater. If he were here I wouldn't need to try and look through his eyes because I would be able to look into his eyes and see exactly how he felt about me. I would be able to see a purpose outside of myself and I would be able to fulfill that purpose. I don't enjoy trying to look through his eyes. This is getting more and more painful to write about.