I often feel two exactly opposite emotions at exactly the same time. I experienced that today. I realized I needed a minute. I needed to take a break from everything to wrap my brain around what I was feeling. I stepped out to grab something quick for lunch and then sat with Charlie. I didn't have much to say because I always go back to, "He isn't really there..." but I sat with him, at least the physical him, and tried to sort out these two very different feelings.
Last night when I shared the quote about the stained glass window I didn't realize the impact it had on me. Over the course of the night and as soon as I woke up this morning I began analyzing and over analyzing that analogy. I thought to myself; Why in the world would anyone want to pick up the stupid, broken pieces of glass? Why would anyone even attempt to make something beautiful from something so broken? Why would they care? Why did they take that brokenness to heart and want it to be something new and beautiful again?
At the exact same moment I thought to myself, I am so thrilled that someone decided to pick up those pieces and make something new. I may still be in bed without that hope. I may not ever know or experience some of the joy I have without the beauty of that new creation. I am glad I am stronger as stained glass.
Then I went back. I always wanted a new and perfect. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this. I still don't. But I am not going to let the imperfection of the stained glass keep me from seeing the beauty. I have to realize this is the new me. The stained glass is who I am and there is no going back to perfect or new.