Sunday, January 31, 2016

Popcorn for Dinner

I have no idea what it is about the grocery store but it is one of the most frequent places I have these grief spells.  I get teary and stressed and feel completely inadequate as a mom and wife and I break down.  Tonight I stopped while standing in front of the baby aisle and looked at Johnny in the front seat and then I looked at the groceries I had in my cart.  I had nothing that made a meal and my sweet little boy (who deserves better) was eating his weight in popcorn.  My Charlie isn't (or wouldn't be) a baby anymore and yet I was stuck in front of the baby aisle thinking to myself, "How old would he be?  What would he be doing if he were here?"  I never even went to the grocery I don't think while he was alive.  Maybe that is why I have this subconscious "thing" at the grocery. 

My mind quickly went to, "How in the world would I be able to handle anything else more than this?"  I can't feed my kids a healthy dinner (even when I have the entire day off), the laundry is stuffed in a hamper behind the door of the laundry room (because I cannot make myself get up and do it), and I can't get my plans written for school without falling asleep on the couch during the twins nap (I need plans for school!).  Then the guilt permeates my mind. 

Charlie would not have been typical if he were here.  He would have needed more from us and how would I have given more?  I am not able to be what I am supposed to be for everyone now...and if he were here, how would I do it?  How would we go to the grocery?  How would we enjoy the play at the middle school on a Friday night?  How would we walk to the park?  How would we run errands?  How would I plan and prepare for school in the few and far between minutes of spare time?  How would we get any sleep?  How would we do it? 

My mom says that we do what we need to do when we need to do it.  She says that I would have been great if Charlie were still here.  I would have done what needed to be done and I would have done it with as much grace as you can have in the midst of a storm.  I would have continued to cook dinner.  I would have made the plans I needed for school.  I would have taken care of everyone the best I could and wherever John and I left off God would pick up the pieces.  He is their Father and loves them more than we can imagine.  I am just thankful my mom knows how to listen and let me be sad even when I know hearing me sad makes her sad.  She grieves the loss of Charlie too and yet she still sits with me in my "mourning booth" and doesn't feel the need to fix anything.  She just agrees that she misses him and she agrees that it isn't fair.  

I am thankful for you mom.  I am glad you and dad both let me be sad and talk me through moments of insecurity and sadness. 

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