I have heard grief described and I often refer to it as an ocean or storm where you can hardly catch your breath before the next big wave. I was thinking about this because Friday was not a good day. I was completely run down, missing the twins, and wishing I could go back to being pregnant with Charlie when everything seemed perfect; but once again I obviously couldn't. At the end of the day, I walked away from work and took the weekend to be with my family. Sometimes I feel this punch in my gut that seems to say, "You have no idea how much time you have here. Spend the time you are given wisely and genuinely."
But even with that truth ringing in my ears, there was a point during the weekend when I felt guilty. I am doing okay. I'm having fun with the twins. But shouldn't I be sad? In between waves, there is life. For those missing someone that becomes one of the hard parts about grief. Should there be life? Should I be happy? It kills me to think I am living a normal (well sort of), happy life without one of my children.
Then I had a dream. I dreamt that I was diagnosed with cancer. I know, not the kind of dream anyone wants to know more about so without giving all the details of the horrific dream I woke up so upset. I begged God to let me stay here with Macy and Johnny. I don't want Macy or Johnny to lose their momma. I know I am by no means perfect but I also know what it feels like to live without someone and to have to consciously move one foot in front of the other even when you don't want to and I do not want them to learn how to do that. Not now. Not ever.
So just when I have learned to place my sweet children in the hands of their Heavenly Father I cannot seem to settle in his arms myself. What is it about life on earth that makes us all so unsettled. Why do we feel the need to be in control? And then my thoughts shift to, how much greater is God's love for us than our love for our own children. How can it be? I cannot even begin to fathom the intensity of that love. I am again reminded that Charlie is experiencing that love first hand and I couldn't be happier. My mind is all over the place tonight. Just praying for a calm that helps me sleep. Calm my heart God and calm my mind.