Santa's Lap

The holidays have come and gone.  The sorrow and pain that I feel because I no longer have Charlie to hold hasn't changed.  I think I would actually say that it deepened as the reality is Charlie is never coming back.  He will never actually spend a Christmas with us.  He will never ring in the New Year in his crib.  He will never eat so much candy his belly hurts with his brother or sister.  He just won't. 

I have lived for over a year longing to go back.  I begged God to take me back.  I wanted to be in the hospital, the one place (while I was there) that I begged to leave.  Now, I would do anything to go back. I know that's impossible and for some reason this season, this time of year; the happiest time of the year, makes me sad.  It makes me remember how much I want to go back, scoop him up, and bring him home to sit on Santa's lap and open presents early Christmas morning.  This pain is real.  It physically hurts tonight as we start a new year.