I wish...but...

I sometimes wish I didn't have these scars.

I wish I could enjoy an evening of The Bachelorette with friends without falling into this awful funk in the middle of the show.

I wish I could read a story about a mama who lost their child and didn't immediately relate.  I wish I could pray for her heart without feeling any kind of connection or understanding.

I wish I could eat cookies and cheeseburgers 1. without gaining weight (ha) and 2. without knowing my diet and my physical activity directly effects my depression, sleeplessness, and overall mood.

I wish I could genuinely smile all the time.

I wish I didn't have these awful dreams about the twins being sick or being in the hospital.  It is bound to happen someday when they get a broken bone or need to have something checked and I absolutely know I will unravel the minute I walk back into Children's Hospital.

I wish I didn't understand the need for a comfortable, clean pillow to rest your head on in the PICU.  How I wish I could erase that memory.

I wish I didn't feel compelled to buy jewelry or other items in support of mamas that lost a child.  Why do I always feel like a part of my story is a small part of their story and their journey to finding a legacy that lives on past their child is what I feel like I need to do to help?

I wish I could sleep for the small amount of time that I do without being restless.  I wish my brain would stop.

I wish I didn't have to plan for the anniversary of Charlie's birthday.  I wish he didn't even have an angel day.

I wish when people asked how many kids I have, I could say three without one single bit of hesitation.

I wish people didn't criticize or leave me misunderstanding their thoughts.  I wish I could understand every position and then walk with grace through them all.

I say "I wish" and in reality now that I type that I want to go back and add a statement to each one of my wishes.

...but I am glad I am able to be with friends.

...but I am glad that I in some small minuscule way I understand them and can pray such a vastly different prayer than I would have before.

...but I am glad I can indulge or even over indulge when I need to all the while being encouraged by my husband and friends to keep exercising.

...but I am glad I can still smile.

...but I am glad they are dreams and for now we are all safe and sound.

...but I am glad I can help someone else.  I hope I can offer just a very small moment in time when they feel loved and remembered.

...but I am glad that I am able to help their legacy live on because would they make it without something bigger to remember them for??

...but I am glad that Charlie is always on my mind and in my heart.

...but I am glad he was born.  I am glad he is my baby!

...but I am glad that when I do say three kids and explain a small part of our story people always look on me with kind eyes.

...but I am glad that people push me outside of my comfort zone and make me possibly acknowledge things I don't want to or would miss without their view.

The wishes are not complete without the but because quite simply Charlie is not here and I have to lean on my Father for hope.  He helps me turn these negatives into something I can lean on or remember they are all miracles in and of themselves.