Overcompensate

Today was so hard.  It wasn't Charlie's birthday or his "Angel Day" but rather the day we celebrated his life with our family and friends.  Two years ago today we had a funeral and while we were celebrating the hope we have in heaven we were actually really desperate to have him back, we were grieving in a way I didn't even know was possible.

This year, two years after the day we had Charlie's funeral, I found myself outfitting Macy's room with a new bed, a much bigger dresser, and absolutely beautiful bedding.  I couldn't help but think two years ago I had to do the opposite for Charlie.  My mom and I had to take everything out of Charlie's room.  My mom returned his crib while I took out all the baby clothes and held them to my eyes to catch my tears.  I remember the pain I actually felt in my heart.  I thought things couldn't get worse.  I was so so wrong.  It was all starting to feel real.  The shock was wearing off and as I stripped his room of all things blue and baseballs I had to let go of him and all the dreams I had for him.

Now, I overcompensate.  I feel like I need to do things like this big because I don't want to miss the opportunities I have been given to provide for the twins and since they are turning four in less than a month I knew it would be the perfect time.  This need to give them things and do things for them may or may not be right but it is what it is.  I love spoiling them.