There are many, many nights that I do not get a normal amount of sleep. It never seems to fail. I will have a few nights in a row where I can get caught back up so to speak and then my mind wanders and the millions of things that have haunted me over the course of the past two years come back to the surface and keep me from sleeping. The why questions, the frustration, and the guilt push back up to the surface.
It is back and it is fierce this evening. I have no idea what provoked it. And to be honest, it was probably nothing in particular aside from the fact that I was up past 10:30, the time Charlie died.
When Charlie was in the hospital I used to think it was impossible to sleep with the noises and beeping coming from all the machines. What I wouldn't give to hear those sounds now. I think I may even be able to fall asleep if I knew he were still here and I could hear the machines to prove it to me. This evening I want so badly to be back in the hospital. I miss him so much.