He Loves You

This evening I laid down with Macy so we could talk before she went to sleep; a nightly routine we have so that she will stay in bed and actually fall asleep before midnight.  (She's a little bit like her momma.)

While we were laying there talking she shared the normal, her favorite part of her day, something that was kind of hard or frustrating, how she figured out how to handle the latter, and then she started in on our usual; Charlie.  I have this love/hate relationship with this particular part of our conversation.  I love and cherish that she wants to remember Charlie and talk about him but I also struggle because her questions are more like worries and I want to lead her in the right direction as we talk about him and more importantly our eternal home.

So I have to back up a bit before I share our chat this evening.  I had previously shared with friends that I was worried about Macy worrying too much.  I know, it sounds a little bit counterproductive but I guess she comes by it honest.  So as we were talking a friend of mine mentioned "Worry Monsters."  I looked them up on Amazon and liked the idea of it (and Macy loves to draw and write) so I thought it may be a good thing for us to use as we maneuver through this stage with her.  We purchased the Worry Eater and went on our way.  When worries came up in the evening I wrote them down for her and we stuck them inside the worry monster.  She explained why she was worried, what she was worried about, and then we decided to give them to the monster (and also God).  It was working beautifully.  It really helped her feel like she could let them go.  We have continued using it and now when we talk about a worry we try and turn it into a wonder.  Instead of, "I am worried about Johnny's cough." we can say, "I wonder why Johnny is coughing so much."  It has helped us not worry or borrow grief from the future and it has made our evening chats much more enjoyable.

So tonight as we were talking she said, "Momma, I wonder why Charlie had to go to heaven and we don't get to go yet."  I said, "That is a good question Macy.  I am not sure."  She continued with, "Momma, did you know sometimes I can hear Charlie and Jesus talking?  Charlie is hard to understand because I think he is still a little baby but he says my name now."

I was a little bit blown away.  Her little heart misses him and it may be the idea of a little brother that she longs for but I know she thinks about him and always wants to include him.   Every time I think about having mentioned his name I am glad I did and we still do.  He is a huge part of our family and makes her smile more than he makes her sad.  We sat in silence for a bit longer and as I was rubbing her arm she said, "Charlie just said he loves you Mommy."

That was enough to make my heart burst open.  I wish so badly he were here and he could say, "I love you Mommy." just like his siblings do but that was enough for today.  It was so special and so sweet coming from Macy's big beautiful mind.   I had to write it down so that I always remember how special our nightly conversations are and how amazing it is that I get to talk about Heaven with Macy almost every evening.  It's a joy.