Frustration

I am so frustrated.  I worked so hard to accomplish something and fell completely flat today.  I have been training for a half marathon since January 1st.  I ran a total of 15 miles the first week of my training and then the mileage went up from there until I was running 30+ miles each week.  I ran a typical pace of 10 minute miles and even faster on Tuesdays when I did speed work.  I actually ran a half marathon in the middle of my training and from that moment on I had intense pain in the back of my left leg and hip.  Walking was difficult and running in particular brought tears to my eyes.  Spring break came and that week was a bit difficult.  I fell off the bandwagon for almost the entire week but I convinced myself that my body needed to rest and recover.  I did some strength training, rode the bike at the gym, and tried as often as I could to get in a run.  The last long run I ran was hard.  I hurt and I needed to stop more than I liked.  My pace was off and I basically needed someone to drag me to the finish.  This entire week I went back to that run.  I thought about it.  I obsessed over it.  I worried about it.  I knew it would keep its place in my head as I tried running today.  I didn't run much this week though so I thought maybe I had a chance to feel ok after letting my legs rest.

I ran the first four or five miles at a 9:52 pace.  I was happy with that.  I was going to do it.  Then I hit the hills and my leg ached.  It got worse and worse and I just had to stop one too many times.  I ran the half marathon today in 2:27.  It was the worst time I have ever gotten in a race.  I am beyond disappointed.  I look back and think about all the times I could have picked up the pace.  I think about the pain my leg is in now and think, 'It wouldn't have been any worse, I should have just gone for it...'

I've stopped myself multiple times today from thinking it just wasn't good enough.  I had already planned on the next race to prove to myself I am better than that.  In my head it wasn't good enough but in my heart as I talked to my kids after the race I realized it should be good enough.  It was enough for them and it should be enough for me.  

Johnny at one point leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, I am really glad you kept going today and you didn't give up.  I am so proud of you!"  Macy carried things upstairs and downstairs because she said, "I just want your legs to feel better.  You don't need to walk anymore steps!"  To them I won.  To them I did what I set out to do and they were proud and empathetic.  I just hope I can take all that innocence in, hold it close, and forget about comparing my time to my PR or to other people's PRs and just soak up the fact that with a hurt leg and a tired body I ran a half marathon.  I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher and a friend.  Today for myself, as just Casey,  I ran a half marathon and I finished.