What I Wish You Knew

Four years later…

I wish you knew that it does not help to say “It will get easier.”  You may think that's true but regardless of whether or not it gets easier this kind of statement negates the overwhelming and absolutely exhausting feelings someone may be having that is grieving.  It puts unrealistic and unnecessary stipulations on the timeframe that surrounds someone’s grief.  I can only speak from my own experience but the pain and the heartache does not get easier in my opinion.  It is only your ability to cope with the pain and your ability to process the trauma that changes or possibly “gets easier.”    

I wish you knew that it was not God’s plan.  I do in fact believe that God makes all things work for good as it tells us in Romans 8:28 but I do not believe when God first created our universe and our world that this was His plan.  I refuse to believe that God planned for people to suffer and struggle only to then finally die.  He wanted perfection and He created perfection.  The moment sin entered the world, perfect was no longer possible (until Jesus came and died on the cross) and that is why we see pain and suffering in our world and we will until we go to Heaven.  It is not because God wants it that way.  

I wish you knew that grief attacks a griever in the least likely of places and during the most random times.  There are still moments in my normal daily life that cause me to lose my footing.  It doesn’t have to be Charlie’s birthday for me to feel sad.  I slip back into feelings that make it hard to keep a smile on my face many times that may make no sense to anyone else.  I can put on a mask just like a lot of other people can but it’s the close friends that can see through my mask to my hurt and my broken heart.  Help your person take off the mask even if it’s just in front of you to allow them to continue to heal.  Talking and “unloading” the heavy burdens on our hearts help us all heal. Don’t let your people walk through those grief attacks alone.    

Whether we are four years past the trauma or just days or weeks into this journey I wish you knew it never helps to hear that “you know how it feels.”  I am a strong advocate for empathy and sitting with someone in their mourning booth but to be there for someone does not mean that you need to share an experience that you feel is the same.  The relationships and intricacies of each of our relationships with the ones we lose are all very different.  There may be similarities and I do not think it is a bad idea to share when it is appropriate but making it about you makes a grieving person feel lonely.  We know no one can fully understand and when no one listens to our hurt it makes it that much more apparent that we are alone in our feelings.  Be a good listener.       

I wish you knew that I still love hearing his name and I always will. It’s similar to you in that you enjoy talking about your child or family members whom you are close to.  I will never tire of hearing his name or having someone ask me about him.  Even four years later, I wish you still asked about him.  Your questions may change.  You know his story now, but bringing him up and bringing up the grief I now have, as I mourn things that will never be, is powerful for someone in my shoes.  A griever often worries about your feelings and how a conversation about our dead loved ones may make you uncomfortable. However, when you bring them up we get to feel joy that someone remembers them, wants to talk about them, and also has kept him or her close to their heart as well.  The burden is no longer on us.  

I have good people in my life that have learned with me and walked by my side as I navigated four years without Charlie.  None of us knew what to do or how to go about the rest of our lives without him.  I do not take my people and our relationships for granted.  This post isn’t about them, it is for those of you that may be learning how to walk through the cloud of grief with your own friend.  It is to help you know what helps and what hurts.  I have met and been introduced to many new people that are in a more vulnerable place in their grief journey than I currently am and I think sharing the things I have learned along the way may just help them (and you) experience a small sliver of peace in a difficult space.  Let Charlie, his story, our story, and what I have learned through this journey be life giving for you and the people you love that are facing a deep and dark valley in their own life.   

#charlielove