Revelation 21:4

On Thursday our grief group team met to get ready for the upcoming grief session at Crossroads.  We sat and shared our loss with one another and then talked through what God was currently doing in our lives.  I listened as each person sitting around our table shared one of the deepest part of their heart.  I took a piece of everyone's dialogue and soaked in the honesty and vulnerability.  When it was my time to share I explained that I gave birth to Charlie, our son, and then just 17 days later we had to say goodbye.  I shared that God has been really working to change my heart and help me feel contentment with where I currently am.  He is helping to reveal to me the value and legacy I can and will leave if I follow his footsteps.  

I guess I should preface this if you don't know me well with this...I've always wanted to be a principal.  I have always longed to work with teachers in a way that would empower and impact even more students than I am in my classroom currently.  It is a desire that pushed me to get my Masters Degree in Teacher Leadership and then my Rank I in Principal Preparation and Instructional Leadership, before the twins were born.  I wanted to be ready when an opportunity became available and with my principal and law assessments taken (and passed) I was.  

However, when Charlie died in 2014, just two years after the twins were born I realized quickly God's plan for me included something far different at this time.  The twins needed me home and I wanted to be home with them as much as I could be while still teaching and working in my classroom.  I didn't want to forfeit my summers with my family or the time I had each evening to play, have dinner, do homework, read books, and take walks.  I needed the consistency of teaching.  I needed the familiarity of working with students.  And now I know that I need to be able to spend those hours in a school as a peer to the teachers in my building so that I can empathize with them and sit with them during the most horrific time of their lives until eventually they feel a small bit of joy.  That is my purpose in life.  I've experienced something that changed me forever.  I didn't think when I lost Charlie I would ever be able to be happy again.  I thought I would be sad and heartbroken forever.  While I am absolutely still so very sad and miss my boy so very much I also realize I can feel sorrow and joy at the same time.  It is something God gifts us with if we keep pursuing him and we hold tight to the hope of heaven.    

At Woodfill we started the summer with five babies arriving at various times throughout the school year.  It was going to be a year full of babies and long term subs and growing families.  Little did we know that over the course of the summer we would lose three of our five WES babies.  Three mommas, with broken hearts, started the school year wishing their bellies were still growing and their babies were still healthy and happy.  Each of the families have different stories but they are hurting just the same.  They are broken and I've sat with each of them and heard them say the same things I used to say.  

"How do you do this?  How am I supposed to do this?"
"Why did this happen to my family?"
"Nothing makes me happy anymore..."

As I wrapped up my share at grief group I realized I am exactly where I need to be and with whom I need to be with.  When I leaned into God and accepted the need to slow down and be content I was able to learn from my surroundings and situation more than had I dredged through to the principal/leadership role.  I am glad to have walked this path ahead of these woman so that the insight and more importantly the ability to sit with them is there waiting for them.  

I am praying over each of you this evening.  Even if you never read this I hope you know you are not alone and you are constantly in my thoughts.  I am consistently asking God to reveal a small sliver of joy to you when your heart is ready to feel it and I will be here when you feel guilt over feeling that joy.  I understand and I hurt for you in this space.   It is one of the hardest things you will endure.