What We Wish You Knew #2

This evening at grief group someone shared something with us that was so very wise.  I felt like I needed to write it down and keep a record of it because I believe someone may need to read it to better understand another intimate part of the grief they or a loved one is walking through.

When someone you love dies or you experience another type of trauma in your life you are forced in the center of a newly formed grief 'circle.'  Just outside of you and your significant other is another circle that includes your immediate family (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, etc.).  As you move to the outer rings of the grief circle you find people that are not as closely impacted by the loss but may still be grieving (friends and other family).

When my friend was explaining this circle she said it is important to "dump emotion out" and never in.  As the person in the middle you need to grieve and pour out your heart and emotions to people on the outside of your circle.  As someone in the outer rings of the grief circle you also need to also reach out, not in, when you need to express your own grief regarding the loss.  If people follow the rule of dumping out and not in you as the person most closely associated with the loss will not have to comfort or carry the pain of your loss as well as the pain you see the people around you experiencing.  This simple idea keeps everyone supporting and loving one another well without putting someone in a position to carry too much.  It is called the Kvetching Order and it is explained much better in this article in the LA Times. 

We put a caveat on this tonight in our group.  We believe it is also important not to completely ignore the people in the same circle and/or the circles inside of your own.  There needs to be a balance in order to appropriately empathize and show emotion while still being strong for your loved one.

That's our nugget of knowledge for today.  It's what we wish you knew.  Comfort in.  Dump out.