Wednesday, December 19, 2018

In Our Heart

It hits you when you least expect it. 

It takes your breath away, every single time.

This week I've missed Charlie terribly.  I always miss him, but this week my heart physically hurt.  At one point I was begging for him to come back.  I was close to falling on my knees and begging Jesus to let him come back.  And then I had to be a parent to my other two children regardless of how sad and sorrowful I felt.

So on Monday evening we made plans to go to the Festival of Lights as a family on Tuesday after school.  We have been swamped at work for the majority of the past two months and after taking the time this weekend to finally catch up on a few things around our house we felt like it was important to do something fun with the twins.  We wanted to be free of distractions and take the time to spend some quality time with them making fun, Christmas memories. 

And then I woke up on Tuesday missing my boy.  It was almost unbearable.  I was grumpy and short with people around me.  But as the day went on I decided to pray and ask God to take the burden.  I didn't want to ruin my families evening out and I knew I wasn't going to be able to find joy alone.  After asking for His help it ended up being the perfect night.  We did all the things everyone wanted to do.  We snuck in a few snacks including a family favorite, cotton candy.  We even stuck around to ride the train.  Every single thing we did I kept thinking, what would this be like with Charlie?  The whole trip was the epitome of joy and sorrow coexisting.  What would it be like?  But look what we have!  What would he look like?  But these two beautiful babies...  Would he have special needs?  The twins are learning so much and sharing their hearts with us. 

I am thankful we knew Charlie.  I with be eternally grateful for the time we had with him but nothing changes my desire to have him back in my arms.  Nothing.

As Christmas approaches most rapidly, take a minute or two to recognize that there are people in your life that are missing loved ones.  Say their names.  Remember them.  Their part in our lives is not over.  Let them be here this year for Christmas if no where else but our hearts.         

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