Shame

I was recently listening to podcast about the book/television show, Little Fires Everywhere, and Brene Brown said something that stopped me in my tracks.  She said, "Parenting is a shame mindfield.  We are so shaming to other parents because we are the most likely to shame others in areas where we feel the most vulnerable to shame.  Where we feel full of self worth we usually don't shame others.  When we are scared to death we are making colossal mistakes we are very quick to shame..."

It spoke to me on so many varying levels about so many different things.  Our current state of unrest and violence is extremely troubling (to say the least) and on top of that disturbing truth you often (almost always from my perspective, while social media scrolling) see others shaming one another for speaking up or not speaking up or for feeling a certain way or not feeling a certain way.  This quote made me realize why people may react in this manner or post things that are geared towards making others feel shameful about their reactions.  It helped me understand that it may in fact be an internal struggle for those people that actually has nothing to do with others.  In light of our current situation it makes me sad that on top of the hurt we are all already feeling we now have to feel shameful for the way we react to it even if our reaction is completely innocent of malintent.

I believe we each have a part to play in spreading love and also remaining unified.  Right now, I believe that looks different for everyone.  I think we need to work really hard to be understanding of how that process looks different in one another also.

I am currently trying to help my seven year old children walk through the natural consequences of a global pandemic that has changed their lives tremendously.  Yes, they're grieving different things than our 2020 seniors and families that have lost loved ones and they're definitely grieving differently than those people in our world that are persecuted for the color of their skin but I learned early on in my own grief journey that "the worst loss is always yours."  All of us, while doing what is right for ourselves, need to call out what we have lost, sit in it, feel it, and then (when we can) help one another by sitting in grief together as we walk through those minefields.  Our world is full of hurt.  Our hearts are heavy and it is important for us to remember that as we navigate more hurt and pain in the news daily. 

My kids miss their friends.  They miss their teacher and the normalcy of a typical school day.  They miss the swimming pool.  They miss stopping at the grocery to help me pick out something for dinner.  These are the things that are in the forefront of their seven year old minds.  I am going to let them feel those feelings and I am going to help them navigate that pain without adding another layer of distress and heartache to their minds.  I know allowing them to see or hear the things on the news right now would be hard on their emotional well being and I do not think for our family this is a "teachable moment."   

This is the choice my family is making today.  That does not mean everyone should make that decision for their family and it doesn't even mean this is going to be the choice we make in a week.  Our decision won't be what is best for everyone and that is what makes our world and our country so great.  We have different people with different perspectives doing different things.  We need each other and we need all the different perspectives to help one another grow and learn.

What we do not need is shame.  I hope we can help one another without adding another layer of hurt and heartache to our lives.  I hope we can love one another and fight for kindness instead of hate.