I am learning that trusting God and his plan is hard. I can't see him. I can't always hear him. I just have to have faith that he is carrying me through this...
The really difficult thing to grasp is while I am trying to wipe away tears and perservere through this grief I am also having to fight Satan.
Satan wants me to fight with my husband.
Satan wants me to get aggravated with the twins.
Satan wants me to sit in a puddle of tears in my bed and never get up.
Satan wants me to feel like I have no hope.
But what I am realizing is that he wants all of these things because he knows my heart is for the Lord. He knows that once I can face the world again people are going to be even more aware of God's place in my heart. While the ache I have in my heart for Charlie will never go away I have to be confident that God will win this battle. He will be glorified if I continue to put my trust in Him.
I yearn for Heaven more than I ever have before. I can't wait to hug Charlie and tell him that I love him. For now, while I am still on this earth, the tears will just have to keep falling and my heart will just have to keep hurting. But I have hope. I have a hope and a peace that surpasses all understanding even in my darkest hours.