Sometimes it a easier for me to write down how I feel rather than speak it out loud. I think right now this is more true because if I speak some of the words that are in my heart out loud I won't physically be able to because of the tears. I know that I need to cry and I do, often, I just have to keep it to myself sometimes because it makes my stomach and heart hurt to let it out.
I watched a video of Charlie tonight. I saw him move and open his eyes and stick out his tongue. He was alive and doing all the things babies do. I don't know if it feels like yesterday or a lifetime ago. I want to just wake up from all of this and hold him again and watch his eyes open and watch him stick out his tongue.
I can't. Instead I just sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks and try and remember those moments with Charlie.