Remember

Sometimes it a easier for me to write down how I feel rather than speak it out loud.  I think right now this is more true because if I speak some of the words that are in my heart out loud I won't physically be able to because of the tears.  I know that I need to cry and I do, often, I just have to keep it to myself sometimes because it makes my stomach and heart hurt to let it out.

I watched a video of Charlie tonight.  I saw him move and open his eyes and stick out his tongue.  He was alive and doing all the things babies do.  I don't know if it feels like yesterday or a lifetime ago.  I want to just wake up from all of this and hold him again and watch his eyes open and watch him stick out his tongue.

I can't.  Instead I just sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks and try and remember those moments with Charlie.