Something has changed in me that keeps my heart from getting too close to babies that are close to Charlie's age. I actually have absolutely no control over it. It is a weird phenomenon that has happened without me realizing it was happening, until I finally did.
Over the past few weeks I have been around a lot of little babies. I noticed at one point that I am the only female not cooing over the new baby or begging to hold them for just a bit in any given room or group of people. Who sees a baby and does not automatically need to hold them? They are little and perfect and precious, miracles that remind of us God's goodness. Every mom needs their baby fix. We need to share in that small miracle newborn even if it is not our own because our babies get big and bossy and have temper tantrums.
When I think back to these moments, I hope I haven't offended anyone. I hope it doesn't seem like I do not care or do not love you and your child. To me it feels like God has taken this out of my hands completely and he is protecting my heart. When "the waters are too deep" he keeps me in a life jacket so to speak. I am not sure how long this may go on but if it keeps me from erupting into tears at church or at a baby shower I am glad God has chosen to protect me in this way. I am really trying and I am hoping this doesn't last forever, even though it feels like it might. Please know that however long this goes on I am sorry and I do not mean to offend you. I wish I could go back to normal and love on those sweet little ones God has blessed us all with, but for now I know that I cannot without way too much emotion for a public place or even someone's home. Please excuse me for now.