If you ever have experienced a day such as this or ever have to in the future, my heart will break for you in a way no one can understand unless they have lived it. It physically hurts when you stop moving and just think about it all. It overwhelms every single fiber of your being in a way that nothing else can. There is an electricity about the pain that lights up every part of your body like lightening lights up the sky and then seconds later shakes you to the core.
All the while, you smile. You smile because you want to protect other people from this pain. And at the exact same second they want to take the pain away from you. It is such a weird and difficult place to be on this day and every day before and after this.
While I so badly want Charlie back, I also so badly want to be a light. The hurt is still there but my heart has learned a valuable lesson in this grief. I have learned over the course of this year that we have an opportunity to be a light in a dark world. In a place that sometimes feels like it is filled with so much bad, we get to choose to be good. I can in no way say that I am perfect in this fiercely difficult call, but I think when we are given an opportunity to be stretched in a way that we are out of control we learn (quickly) the importance of surrender. We learn to lean on God's power and grace so much more than we ever did before. It is a blessing to be able to say that I needed Him and He is here for me in my darkest hour. And now I can feel joy again even after losing one of the most precious things in my life.
So, I write all of that to say, if at some point today you have thought about Charlie and/or prayed for our family I hope that tomorrow you are able to take that brief thought (if it crosses your mind again) and do something good with it. Let him be a reminder to do something good for someone else. We are beginning to feel joy and we want others to have that too. Whether it be their "darkest hour" or just a plain old bad day, we hope you reach out and help someone else experience joy. I would love for Charlie's legacy to be a gift to others just like his life was a gift to us.
And. thank you for reaching out today. Thank you for letting us know that our sweet baby boy has not been forgotten. It makes this momma's heart smile.
|WES friends, thank you for honoring and remembering Charlie today.|