I can't quite figure out how not to be alone in this grief.
I go from one day to the next not really knowing how it is going to affect my entire mood and personality. I try so hard not to be the sobbing burdensome friend that I think I am making it worse because now that I have held it together for so long I think I have forgotten how to cry in front of other people and I have led people to believe I am good. I know that I need to let it out but I can't let myself really cry until I am completely alone. This is a weird and awful thing to admit. How are you supposed to go on without a part of yourself? I feel like if I get upset I will literally lose all composure. I am suddenly taken back to those should and shouldn'ts. They so quickly consume my thoughts.
It has been over a year, I can't possible lose it in the middle of the hallway...
What would people think if I couldn't come to school because of Charlie...
"What happened? You were fine just a minute ago..."
"Is she ok? I thought she was getting better?"
This idea I have in my head of the well intentioned thoughts of other people is painful. The concern that I imagine people would have, while all in love, is hard to learn to live with. And it may not even exist!
So I hold it in. Even when I want to let it out, I hold it in.
What a horrible hold Satan can have on a person with this awful thing called grief. Maybe I am naive but I think it might be one of the strongest grips he can get on a person. It simply does not go away, ever.
I can't end this post on this day without reminding myself of something I am thankful for. So tonight, I am thankful that Macy and Johnny remind me so often how much they love me. When they say, "I love you mommy." I am reminded that being a mommy is such a special gift that absolutely cannot be taken for granted. Their unconditional love is just a small glimpse of heaven that I yearn for so so much.