Thursday, September 17, 2015


I can't quite figure out how not to be alone in this grief. 

I go from one day to the next not really knowing how it is going to affect my entire mood and personality.  I try so hard not to be the sobbing burdensome friend that I think I am making it worse because now that I have held it together for so long I think I have forgotten how to cry in front of other people and I have led people to believe I am good.  I know that I need to let it out but I can't let myself really cry until I am completely alone.  This is a weird and awful thing to admit.  How are you supposed to go on without a part of yourself?  I feel like if I get upset I will literally lose all composure.  I am suddenly taken back to those should and shouldn'ts.  They so quickly consume my thoughts. 

It has been over a year, I can't possible lose it in the middle of the hallway...

What would people think if I couldn't come to school because of Charlie...

"What happened? You were fine just a minute ago..."

"Is she ok?  I thought she was getting better?"  

This idea I  have in my head of the well intentioned thoughts of other people is painful.  The concern that I imagine people would have, while all in love, is hard to learn to live with.  And it may not even exist! 

So I hold it in.  Even when I want to let it out, I hold it in. 

What a horrible hold Satan can have on a person with this awful thing called grief.  Maybe I am naive but I think it might be one of the strongest grips he can get on a person.  It simply does not go away, ever.  

I can't end this post on this day without reminding myself of something I am thankful for.  So tonight, I am thankful that Macy and Johnny remind me so often how much they love me.  When they say, "I love you mommy." I am reminded that being a mommy is such a special gift that absolutely cannot be taken for granted.  Their unconditional love is just a small glimpse of heaven that I yearn for so so much.

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