My Mixed Up Mind

At church this weekend we had an event for those that call Crossroads home.  For those of us that are faithful givers, volunteers, and prayer warriors for the causes that make our hearts hurt, we met and we delved into a deeper understanding of giving as worship.  The service was incredible and the speaker really spoke to me and my heart.  I just almost lost all that God was saying through him because of Satan and his ability to take my grief and sorrow and make it choke me.  I'll have to explain.   

The man that spoke on Friday evening was a former Navy Seal. The wisdom that he has gained from the experiences he lived through is amazing.  Those experiences were life changing for both him and the people that are fortunate enough to hear him speak.  However, from the first statement he made about his background and his desire to run towards a fight, my momma heart scared.  Satan grabbed hold of that fear and ran with it.  I literally had visions of losing Johnny in a war.  I prayed and begged for a large part of his talk for God to keep John away from wars and fights and guns.  I prayed that he would have no desire to be in the military.  Now looking back I am realizing how truly selfish that sounds.   

I have no idea why my mind went there.  I just remember thinking to myself, God, don't make me do it again.  Don't take anyone else from my life. I can't bear to lose anyone else.  I can't bear to live this life without my kids.

I had to literally pull my own body from the depths of this pit Satan managed to drag me into.  Why in the world had I let him have that much of my attention.  I had to go back and watch a part in the service again. 

No one around me would know that that happened.  No one could tell.  I just constantly have to do that with this grief.  I have to pull myself out of these wars with Satan and make myself beg God to help me.