#19 Write your Grief: Remember and Forget

What do you want to remember?  What do you wish you could forget? 

I want to remember what it was like to have three little ones in my house.  When I got pregnant with Charlie we were really not intending to get pregnant.  However, we were excited for the blessing of another little one in our home.  When I told one of my friends we were pregnant she responded with, "How exciting!  Welcome to the three kids club..."  That replays over and over in my head.  Am I still in the club?   Or did my friends kick me out when Charlie passed?  I really have no idea (except for about 6 or 7 days) what it is like to have three little ones in our home.  I just know that my mind couldn't wrap itself around the idea before all the sudden he was gone. 

On the other hand, I wish I could forget the panicked yelling of the doctors and nurses in the emergency room when they rushed him back to intubate without warning or explanation.  I wish I could erase that from my mind.  I never want to hear it again and yet of all the memories that is the one that stands out the most.  That is the one I replay over and over and over in my mind.